


The Fork in the Road (and In Your Chromosomes)

by GoddessofRoyalty



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M, Mpreg, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 00:19:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5687314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoddessofRoyalty/pseuds/GoddessofRoyalty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren is conflicted. He knows he has so many other options of how to deal with the extra heartbeat he can sense in his body. Yet he finds himself wanting to grasp the new (old, original, first) option available and run with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is an idea that has been floating around my head for a while and I guess I finally got around to writing it. I have no idea if there is going to be a sequel or not, I guess it depends on how much support I get + if the inspiration lasts. 
> 
> I know I could write this without the mpreg but I got inspired to write it with the mpreg so really it’s a case of either fic with mpreg or no fic at all. 
> 
> Warnings: mpreg, spoilers, abortion contemplation, 
> 
> Also – I actually have a bit of world building about mpreg in the Star Wars universe (especially the Skywalker family). It’s not much but if you want it just shoot me an ask on my tumblr to remind me (GoddessofRoyalty) and I’ll post it. (EDIT - someone (well multiple someones) asked me and so I posted it here: http://goddessofroyalty.tumblr.com/post/137063616941/mpreg-world-building-and-skywalkers-id-lige-to )

He is conflicted.

Really he shouldn’t be. As far as he is concerned Ben is dead and everything that held sway over Ben does not have any power over Kylo Ren. Still, there is something inside that is drawing him back to the thing that once gave Ben comfort and advice when he got into a position he didn’t know how to deal with. He blamed the weak beating heart beat that rests beneath his lungs for the fact that his (old dead identity’s – Ben was dead. Ben was dead. Ben was dead and maybe if he kept telling himself that he’d start to believe it) father’s hand raises this feeling of hope inside him.

He has options.

He has so many options that it is starting to make his head spin. He has so many options that he wouldn’t even know where to start listing them all. He even has other people to go to for advice if he wanted it. Snoke for one would likely have a very clear idea of what to do moving forward. Of course he could also decide not to let anyone know (except a doctor but dead men can spill no secret). Keep it a secret until the day he dies, a little mishap that isn’t even a hiccup in the grander scheme of his life. He wants to rage against the fact that now he has this new option presented to him more and more of his wants to grab it with both hands and _run_.  

He finds himself taking in the room.

His father’s wookiee is of course a little behind them (will be loyal to the man until both their dying days), it’s off the railing on (relatively) safe land. There are Stormtroopers coming making it all the more pressing to make a decision about the current offer now. He doubts it will be put on the table ever again. There is also the fighter jets above them trying to shoot into where they are, to destroy where they are currently standing in order to destroy the planet. Not that they really effect anything, they can’t do enough damage in enough time to save the day. Finally there is the other two standing above watching over what is going on waiting for someone else to make a move before they make their own.

The girl, of course, knows.

He shouldn’t have ordered them to pull out. Should have just kept searching for the droid and killed her. Leave her body on that forest floor for the resistance to find. Instead he was so sure he could get the answers he sought out of her head. Then again, how in the history of all the worlds could he have predicted she would have been able to fight back against him? That she could have been able to not only kick him out of her mind but push into his? What was worse, he had thought he had hidden his thoughts about the matter well but she had found them so fast (but then again it’s hard to keep something locked away when it is constantly weighing on your mind). “It’s not just you you’re worried about,” she had said and he _raged_. “You’re not as trapped as you think.” He knew that, he had so many options, he had never felt _trapped_ in the situation – or at least that was what he told himself again, and again, and again because clearly it was true. She stands there now watching the scene with fright-filled eyes and he is sure she will still kill him to protect Han.

There was also the traitor.

The man himself isn’t that much of a threat but there was news from the battle-field that he used a lightsaber, that he still _carried_ said lightsaber. That fact coupled with the girls new found abilities makes them a powerful threat. Even if the girl is not trained she had proven herself quick to adept to her new powers.  One would be a fool to underestimate them together. The situation could all too easily end in a fight between him and them and while his condition has not yet reached a point to alter his fighting prowess there is still a chance it could cause it to end badly. For some reason he quickly dashes the idea of using it against the girl. Of asking her if she is willing to hurt him if it could kill a, potentially innocent, _other_. Is it because he believes she would fight anyway? Or perhaps he is so weak as to not be willing to use it as weapon? Couldn’t bring himself to threaten it to gain victor? Without the traitor though she would be weaponless, and a lot less of a threat to him (and to _it_ ).

All their eyes are on him.

“Ben,” his father – no, Han Solo, says, taking a step forward and Kylo realises he’s hardly breathing. “Come home with us.” He wants to throw it back into his face, wants to deny, deny, deny, but he can’t. He raises a foot, to take a step back or forward he does not know. It stays there, hovering barely millimetres above the ground. No one else in the room can probably see it, but he can feel it (just like he can feel what grows within him that no-one else can see). All he has to do is decide, just make up his mind one way or the other.

It would be so easy to kill Han Solo.

Just turn his lightsaber on and the blade will slice through the man’s flesh, through his heart, through his lungs. It would be the most potent and final ‘no’ he could ever give.

It would be so easy to say yes.

Just let go. Accept the help his father offered him and take flight off the world with them back to the resistance and his mother’s waiting arms.

It’s so hard to decide.

Chewie makes a call that means the Storm Troopers are coming near and suddenly the decision has to be made right that instant instead of soon, not that it makes it any easier. “Ben, please,” his father begs and Kylo is sure he isn’t even breathing at all anymore (he knows for the fact the girl and the traitor aren’t, can feel the stillness that surrounds them despite only one truly knowing what is at stake).

He isn’t breathing.

He isn’t breathing.

He isn’t breathing.

He lets go.

Han takes the lightsaber from his hand so carefully, tucks it away somewhere before pulling his son into a hug.

Ben’s first renewed breath is filled with the scent of his father. He takes it deeply.

Han is the first to pull away. Yelling up at the two watching (who are also breathing again Ben notices), telling them to go back to the ship and start it up. That they’ll catch up but the ship had better be able to take off the second they reach it. Then his attention is back onto his son and his hand is on Ben’s wrist. “Come on, we got to go.”

They run off the railway as fast as they can, run out of the room as Chewie detonates the explosives they put there. The room goes up in flames and Ben _feels_ the heat of it despite their distance.

At one point he stops running, forcing his father to stop with him. Han looks at him and Ben knows how it looks. Can _see_ how it looks. Like he has changed his mind and is about to betray his father now that two members of the audience are no longer there. He isn’t though, and instead leads his father through the halls to the shortcut he knows.

Soon enough they are running through the woods towards the ship. The world is now cracking, the rebellions plan successful and apparently Han was right in the need to take off as soon as they reach it.

The girl, no, Rey, her name is Rey so he might as well start calling her that, is at the controls and is rapidly pressing buttons and flipping switches. Han takes a position next to her to help and Ben finds himself leaning against the wall of the ship trying desperately to catch his breath. He hadn’t even considered thinking about what he has done until later. What it means is going to be dealt with even later still.

The traitor (he can’t really call him that anymore seeing what he has now done but he doesn’t have a better name yet) comes over and gently grips his shoulder. “How you holding up?”

He doesn’t _know_ or at least Ben believes he doesn’t. It is always possible Rey told him while they were waiting for the others to show up at the ship but Ben doubts it. There was something in the way she didn’t speak up through his whole confrontation with his father that made him believe she was the kind to keep a secret.

Not that it matters either way of course. Eventually it was going to be revealed. It may not be obvious at that moment but it would eventually be. It’s not something that can stay hidden forever.

Ben brushes off the traitor’s hand and moves deeper into the ship hoping he made the right decision.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So enough people asked and I managed to maintain enough inspiration to do a second part to this story. Still not sure about the existence of a third yet. 
> 
> I’m going to try and write all these parts to have endings that are satisfying. That way if I suddenly loose all will to write at least you won’t all be suffering with a cliff-hanger. I mean there will still be unresolved issues but I am fully in the belief that no story should end with all its issues resolved.

“You did the right thing,” says the ghost of a voice that is echoing in Ben’s ears after he has settled himself into a corner of the oh-so-familiar ship.

He ignores it and instead focuses on his breathing, or more specifically, focuses on remembering to breathe _._

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

He’s lucky his father will be busy with the controls for most (hopefully all) of the trip and everyone else on the craft unlikely to care enough to search him out. He can be alone (or as alone as he can be currently) with his thoughts at least until they get back to the resistance base and his mother.

The faint thud-thud that rests in his stomach makes him want to vomit (he would have thought it his own if not for the fact it beats off-time to his). He wishes he could tune it out but he hasn’t really been able to since he first heard it. He can turn his attention elsewhere’s but it’s always there in the back of his mind reminding him that it exists. That it is alive.

It’s all _its_ fault that he’s here.

At least that’s what he keeps telling himself. Acting as if he didn’t have a hundred and one other options other than deciding to run away with his father, run back to his mother.

His mother had told him (so many years ago) that motherhood can change a person. He had scoffed at the idea, it hadn’t seemed to change _her_ all that much (still so busy with her revolution and her republic and being there for all the people but not her son). He still refuses to believe the statement as completely true but maybe there is something of a truth about it. Then he can completely blame his betrayal on _it_. Shift it from himself. It wasn’t that he was running home to his family but had been forced to the position by the thing inside him. Not that he believes it would work on any of his old allies, but it works for himself for now. Later he will find a way back to the First Order that won’t end up with him being shot and left in a very shallow grave (if one at all).

Apparently he was wrong about his father being busy for the whole trip because Han is the one that finds him, curled up in the corner like some sort of child (like the child he used to be so scared of so many things).

“Shouldn’t you be piloting this thing?”

“Nah, the kid’s pretty good. She’ll get us home... probably.” There is an old joke there, one that Ben knows is his father’s attempt at lightening the mood but it will fail. “I thought we should talk.”

“About what?”

“I don’t really know,” another familiar expression, Han, his father, is trying to think of what to say when really he has no idea. He settles on, “I’m sorry.

“For what?”

“I don’t know, not being there for you I suppose?”

“Not much you can do about that now.” Finally he can throw it all back into his father’s face. Finally he has the chance to tell him all the ways he was wrong. He had an ever-growing list the whole time he has been away. A list of all the things he wanted to tell his parents about how they were wrong, wrong, wrong, and how he had suffered for it. He can’t find the heat to start on it now. So instead he sulks.

“Jeez, you’re nearly as testy as your mother was when she was pregnant with you.” Again, Ben knows his father means that as a harmless joke but the thud-thud he always hears makes it send a panic through him.

Does his father know? Of course not, that would be ridiculous. But Rey could have told him? If she was going to she would have said it a lot earlier. He could have figured it out himself? That is literally impossible; there are no outward signs to give it away yet. Nothing could cause his father to know but Ben fears, truly _fears_ that he does.

“Ben?” He knows his reaction is strange, but he doesn’t want to explain it to his father so he just shakes his head.

“I... just... I need some time... alone.” Because he hasn’t already had enough of that before he met his father on the catwalk; because he didn’t spend every moment in his room not asleep thinking about it.

Han looks doubtful but doesn’t press the issue. Now that Ben’s in the ship there isn’t much to worry about, it’s not like he can go running back to the First Order currently. His lightsaber is still in his father’s possession, and while he is not completely weaponless, he knows how much less of a threat he is without it. “Alright... I’ll come tell you when we’re about to land.”

He could also send Rey and Ben finds himself almost hoping he does. She doesn’t stare at him like he’s acting weird, probably because she’s never seen him act _normal_.

It’s neither of them who come and tell him when they’re landing. Apparently they’re busy actually landing the craft. Nothing’s gone too wrong (apparently), but the ship has recently taken some abuse and well - it’ll be completely fixed after a quick-repair when they get back, for now though it needs an extra set of hands piloting _just in case_. At least that’s what the traitor tells him. Not that he can call him ‘the traitor’ anymore now that he has been given a name (and one he seems so happy to tell, happy to have a name at all that Ben almost feels greedy having two). Finn doesn’t seem all that bothered that his ex-boss is currently curled into a ball in the corner of the ship. No, instead he tries to hold some basic small-talk. Nothing too detailed (and he doesn’t try to make jokes that only end up offending) so it’s bearable (barely).

He does leave Ben to his solitude before they actually land. Leave Ben alone for those last few minutes before he has to face the music (for his crimes, and of course, and possibly so much worse, face his mother).

He senses Leia before he sees her.

She doesn’t _feel_ any different from how he remembers her.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breathe in-

It doesn’t take her long to find him and he gets to see his mother again for the first time in years.

She looks different: older, tireder. Not that Ben can really blame her after all she has been through (all he has put her through). He wants to say something to her. The words ‘sorry I’m such a fuck up’ come to mind but he doesn’t think they are appropriate. And he doesn’t believe he would be able to actually say them anyway (too much like admitting he knows what he did was wrong).

Instead he swallows down the sob that threatens to break his lips and tries to meet his mother’s eyes without revealing any weakness.

Apparently he fails.

She is quick to cross the small distance between them and kneel down so she pull him into a tight hug.

“Mum,” he says and only after it has come out of his mouth he realises it has been accompanied by the sob he was holding back earlier. She just holds him tighter and eventually he can even bring himself to hold her back.

“You’re home. Everything will be okay now,” she says as if it is true and he knows it isn’t. Even if there wasn’t some other _life_ growing inside him he still know it wouldn’t be okay. He has done too many horrible things. Hurt too many people. _Killed_ too many people. There is no way for this to end with him happily joining the resistance, helping them defeat his old allies and then live happily ever after.

He will have to answer for his crimes.

He holds his mother close and hopes that it doesn’t destroy her.

“I’m home,” he agrees and holds his mother all the more tighter.

They stay like that for what feels like forever and Ben’s mind starts to wonder back to the soft beating he can hear from inside him. He wonders if his mother knows. He knows the reason he can hear it and knows where he inherited it from (even if she will never be as good as her father, his grandfather). Rey found out through his mind but she was inexperienced. His mother has no such problem blocking her.

She hasn’t said anything though and he is sure she would if she knew so that is evidence against her knowing. Then again she could just be celebrating her son is back in her arms and putting it off as something to deal with later. She is smart enough to know it will not bring good news. One does not run from a place while pregnant if they believe they are able to obtain a happy life there.

Pregnant. He is pregnant. He didn’t realise he was avoiding the word until he thought it but suddenly it is all too real. It is no longer something growing inside him, somehow separate from him. It is a state of his being as well. It’s as much about his body as it is the owner of the dim heartbeat’s. He is pregnant.

His breath has gone shaky and his mother is clearly worried. She keeps him in her arms but pulls her head back to see his face. “Ben?” her voice is filled with so much concern that it chokes him. He is still not ready to tell her.

“I’m fine.” It’s a lie. He _knows_ it is a lie but it is a convenient one. At least for now.

Ben knows he isn’t fine. Knows he isn’t going to be fine for a long while if ever again. He has crimes to answer for and a small life growing inside him that he finds himself becoming more and more fond of each passing minute.

For now though all he has to deal with is being with his mother again, and in that fact he is fine. For now at least. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now with new and improved summary! 
> 
> This bit was so hard to write because I lost a bit of my mojo over the weekend and Ben is really inconsistent at the moment (because of where his mental state is at) but I don’t want him to feel too inconsistent so all behaviours are met with ‘does this fit with what he’s doing for the rest of this section? Is it too much of a split from his last position?’. Hopefully it still reads as well as the others did.

They can’t stay like this forever.

That fact is obvious. No matter how much he wants to stay in his mother’s arms, surrounded by her love (and it’s clear now how much she really does love him – you would have to to accept a person back after everything he has done), he knows he cannot. She too must know that fact but seems just as unwilling to let him go as he is her.

It’s not one of them pulling away that breaks the peace they have somehow found.

It’s the guards that come. Ben isn’t sure if his mother told people at the base that he had come back with his father (she clearly knew or else she wouldn’t have come into the ship, wouldn’t have searched him out) or if they have just come because everything has been too still for too long. He knows the others are still on the ship as well, he can feel them even with his senses dulled from the pleasure (weakness) of having his mother again. He figures his father and Rey (and the wookie) are checking the ship for whatever the ‘minor problems’ Finn had informed him about. From what he could tell from his brief moments with the traitorous ex-Storm Trooper, Finn is probably watching the girl. Of course no-one else on base as the ability to sense them out like that and from their point of view the ship that has landed (having returning from enemy territory) has been deathly still for too long of a time. Only an idiot wouldn’t act as if it was a potential hostile takeover. He has learnt now that his mother’s men are not idiots.

Their guns are raised but Ben is sure they won’t fire. At least not currently. Not when his mother’s body is between them and him. Unless the information he has received over the years is wrong and her importance isn’t as he believes it to be.  

“General,” one of them steps forward, his gun lowered (the rest are still raised, an effective firing squad for his sudden execution that is one order away). Ben tries to control his breathing, tries to stay the scary-First-Order-member these people think he is. He’s faced worse before and he’s made it through fine but now it’s suddenly all the more scary. He blames the weakness that has seeped into him.

His mother is as stiff as a board.

He finds himself removing his arms from around her, resting them against his side. He can feel the panic welling up in his heart but he refuses to let it show when her eyes study his face. He doesn’t want her to go but he doesn’t want the enemy to think of him as being soft for her. For being _weak_ because of her. Weak _for_ her. Because they might exploit it. Because that is what you should do when you have a card like that to play.

“General please,” the man says again and this time Leia actually removes her arms from her son.

There is a part of Ben that panics at that movement. Another part that is ready to fight to protect himself (to protect the child). A third that seems to think it would be a suitable resolution for both his sins and current problem. None of those are the reactions Kylo Ren is supposed to have. How quickly has he given up on everything he worked towards?

He doesn’t have to decide which of the three (weak, pitiful, pathetic) reactions he will follow. The other people that returned on the ship with him (the ones that set out plus the one they were supposed to rescue) show up and his father saves the day.

“Put the guns down! For fucks sake he’s our son!”

None of the guns get lowered.

Leia stands up and Ben instantly reaches out to the guns. Ready to stop them if they move to fire. He knows he would lose any fight that started, he is too out-numbered and they have Rey (and she would have a lightsaber by now and he doesn’t have his). Still, he refuses to go down _that_ easily.

His mother doesn’t leave him open though. She turns around to face the guns, her body blocking his and tells them, no, orders them to lower them. He had always been told that in the resistance people defied direct orders all the time (and that was what made them weak) but he found, at least for this moment, it wasn’t the case. The guns were lowered even if those holding them didn’t seem all that happy with doing so.

“What are you going to do with him?”

His mother frowns in concentration. She apparently hadn’t thought about what to do after he returned home. Maybe she hadn’t truly thought him capable of returning, the rational part of her brain not bothering wasting time thinking up a plan for something that it knew would never happen. Kylo Ren feels smug at that fact.

Of course his mother was also a smart woman. No matter how much Snoke and the First Order hated her no-one could claim _her_ dumb. Ben always felt slightly proud of that.  

“Han, where’s some rope?” 

He feels ashamed being led through the resistance base bound. His powers are still there for him to use but he knows any sign of trouble would cause everything the place had in fire power to target him. He isn’t so stupid as to try anything.

Rey sticks close by. At least she does after her and Finn talk to the pilot. Poe Dameron – Ben remembers that they had captured him that he had dug into his mind to find the locations of the droid that is now so happily running around under his feet and gently bumping up against Rey and Finn welcoming them back with more than just its beeps and chirps. Ben _hates_ that droid. It’s all its fault he’s in this situation. If he had of just killed the girl and obtained it she wouldn’t have had a chance to dig into his head, if she hadn’t of had a chance to dig into his head he wouldn’t of felt so unsure of the options available to him, if he hadn’t of felt so unsure of the options available to him he would have killed his father and not ended up here.

He wonders if Rey is sticking around in case he does something to try and hurt someone (or try to escape) or if she’s staying close because she _knows_ and wants to make sure something bad doesn’t happen. He doesn’t care either way. That’s what he tells himself at least. He doesn’t care that she might be giving him sympathy because he is pregnant, that she might be worrying about him because of some obligation she feels to an unborn child (something he never understood). He doesn’t even entertain the thought that she could just be the sort of person who worries about other people. That she might be the sort of person who would stick close to make sure he wasn’t treated badly even if he wasn’t pregnant.

He ends up sulking in the corner (in his rope and his shame) of the central command room when his uncle’s droid wakes up.

His father covers his eyes when the two maps are put together so he can’t find out the location of his uncle and everyone in the room careful with what they say so he can’t find out from their words alone. It’s funny, the memory he holds with such an action is that of the uncle he isn’t allowed to know the location of. The uncle he was, possibly still is, trying to kill.

 Luke used to cover his eyes whenever his parents kissed. Luke would cover his eyes and ask him to guess who it was despite the fact he knew his nephew could sense him, could recognise his voice. Luke would grin at him when Ben made faces when his parents used to kiss. Luke seemed generally happy when they figured out he could use the force. Luke was currently in hiding because of him (because Luke was weak, because Luke was weak and a coward and all the more _pathetic_ for running and hiding instead of facing Kylo Ren, facing what his ‘favourite nephew’ had turned into).

Rey seems honestly _happy_ when she returns to the party of people leading Kylo Ren around the resistance base. He figures she has gotten the news that she will go train with _Luke Skywalker_. From his brief view in her brain it seemed like the sort of thing she would gain that ecstatic pleasure she is currently showing out of.

Everyone else in the group is serious. Even his parents have turned sombre, the relief of having their son back replaced with the knowledge that they now have to _deal_ with him, deal with everything he has done.  

The room he is eventually left in is too cold to really deserve the name ‘room’, but it’s too conformable to earn the name ‘cell’. It was clearly designed for him. There was something in the walls that stop the force getting in and out (he refuses the relief he feels that he himself isn’t going to be stripped from his powers, refuses the fear that he might lose the connection and stop hearing the soft rhythmic beating that he has now grown used to hearing in the back of his mind constantly). Other than that it has a bed and a bathroom and all the things he would need to not be horribly uncomfortable.

When he is left alone he contemplates destroying it. He doesn’t really need his lightsaber to do that, he could just pick up the bed with the force (or his hands really) and throw it against a wall, again, and again, and again, until nothing is left but splinters.

Instead he sits on it, and then lays on it, and then falls asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way guys if you want to talk to me about potential plot for this prompt (or give me other one-shot length ones) please do. I’m rapidly reaching the point in this fic where the plot I have thought up for it runs out and more is not forthcoming easily. So if you want more from me (past another one or two) I’m going to need some help (pathetic, I know). Also any quick-burn prompts you want me to write would be awesome as well because maybe giving this thing a break and working on something else (albeit something short) might help me return to this with a fresh mind and more ideas and even if it doesn’t I’m enjoying writing for these characters and don’t want to leave it just yet even if I can’t continue on this one. 
> 
> TW: canon-typical violence. It’s not much but it’s not just idle threatenings in this bit.

For the first day he starts to believe he will never escape his parents. That he will never have the chance to have a full hour alone to himself without them asking him, no begging him, to tell them what went wrong. Tell them where they went wrong.

He tries to use the list he had been building in his mind for years, the list he had of everything that was wrong with them, of everything they did wrong. He can only ever get through one item before he loses the will to continue with it. He had been so sure he would gain pleasure from their pain whenever he added another item to it. Pleasure out of seeing them wilt when faced with all their flaws. Instead it just pains him. Makes him realise just how many faults of his own he carries. It’s hard to stay angry at a person from being slightly absent in your childhood when you have killed thousands (even if not directly). Hard to stay angry at two people who thought they were doing the best possible thing for their child (even if they were misguided) when you have already stained the hands of your own despite it not yet even being born. Hypocritical to hate someone for trying to give their child a chance to step out of their shadow when the shadow you cast over your own may sentence it to a fate (a death) it may not deserve.

By the second day his parents have limited their visits to once per day each (separately, they always come to him separately) and he probably would have spent the days completely alone dwelling on what he had done if not for Rey. She comes at lunch on the second day with his food and explains in a chipper voice (after a bitter half-angry snapped question from him about how he expected his parents would be the only ones brave enough to face him) that both of them are busy.  Instead of abandoning him with his food like he expected her to she sits (on the floor with her feet planted flat in front of her leaving him the bed and the chair free to pick from) and watches him as they both eat. Not even his bitter questions scare of off. Why hadn’t she left to go train under Luke yet? Because the Millennium Falcon needs some more repairs before it could safely make the trip. Why not take another ship? Everyone just agreed to take the Falcon. When will it be ready? Probably by the end of the week. Does she think they’re stalling taking her to Luke (because of him)? No.

She has questions of her own but does not demand answers. Just accepts the ones she’s given and moves onto another question if silence follows too long after one. How is he feeling? How does she think he’s feeling? Has he spoken to his parents? If she counts half formed sentences and pleas from the other party to help them _understand_ as ‘talking’ then yes. Has he told them about the kid yet? His silence apparently conveys the message of ‘no’. Does anyone know? “You do.” She frowns at that response but lets it go. What’s Luke like? Ask his parents. What’s Luke like as a teacher? While training under him Ben Solo succumbed to the dark side, joined the First Order, killed his fellow pupils and then tried to kill his teacher – maybe she should find someone else to ask.

“Yeah well, there’s no-one else to ask.” She seems bitter at that and he wants to reach out and try and call her to the dark side. Suggest he could be her teacher. That he could make her so much stronger then Luke ever could. He finds he doesn’t have the energy left after everything that has happened to even try.

They sit in silence after that. Rey watching him as she eats her food by generous mouthfuls (he remembers being told where she originated from and thinks just how plentiful the food the resistance has must look to her – how extravagant the meals he considers simple must be to her). Once they have both finished she gathers the trays and stands by the door. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Are you my jailer now?” The question is biting but he isn’t really sure if he wants the answer to be yes or no. There is comfort in the idea of the person responsible for keeping him there _knowing._ Comfort in knowing that if anything were to go wrong he wouldn’t have to explain why he needs help (he thinks about what would happen if the second heartbeat he can constantly hear in the back of his mind suddenly vanished – his stomach knots and own heart skips a beat at that thought).

“No. I just don’t want you to get lonely.” It’s a phrase she must have picked up from someone else and from the smile on her face (and the flash of warmth in her mind) he has a feeling it’s someone she considers a friend. Probably the pilot she talked to when they had first arrived - Poe Dameron – it seems like something he would say (from what Ben could tell from the feeling of the man’s mind he had gotten when he dug into it for information). There was no way for her to have learnt it off the traitor unless Finn picked it up from someone else himself.

He refuses giving her the satisfaction of a response and instead sulks until she shrugs and leaves. Leaves him to his loneliness and constant replaying of every decision he made to try and find where he went wrong (not that he has even figured out what ‘wrong’ was for him yet).

She shows up the next day just as she said she would.

It’s the day after that that he and the bathroom sink start to become _very_ good friends.

He manages to hide his queasiness from both his parents. Masks it as sullenness, as a want for them to just leave him alone. Rey has the advantage of coming in half way through him emptying his entire stomach contents (and then some) into the sink.

“Are you okay!?” She sounds so panicked. If he wanted to he could try and use it to make his escape. However he is not entirely sure he would make it from his not-a-cell-not-a-room to whatever ship he plans on escaping on without needing to vomit, potentially multiple times, along the way. Plus he’s not exactly sure where he would go if he did escape. _Or if he wants to at all_ , he ignores that thought. Ignores and rages against it inside his mind as he manages to convince his body to stop actively throwing up for five minutes.

“I’m fine,” is the response he gives despite the fact he can’t even _look_ at the food she has brought for him.

“Is…” she pauses and glances away and he knows the question she was going to ask without needing to dig into her mind. Is the child okay? She takes a breath and squares her shoulders and he gives her the reply to the question before she can gain the courage to ask it.

“It’s fine as well.” At least he thinks its fine. The heartbeat he can hear is just as steady as ever and nothing appears to be setting of warnings sings that something has gone horribly wrong. The only thing off being the fact he can’t keep food to stay down which was something he had been plagued with as a child and yet he turned out fine (physically at least).

Still Rey is apparently keyed-in on his indecisiveness. “We need to get someone to check you over.”

“I’m fine!” He is aware he looks like a wounded, cornered animal with his shoulders hunched and teeth clenched together in a snarl but he doesn’t care. He will not have anyone else know until he is ready for them to.

She doesn’t even flinch at his outburst and he wishes she would at least pretend to be scared of him. Pretend he was still something threatening in the universe instead of whatever weak ball of patheticness he has become.

“Please tell someone.” _If not for yourself then for the child_ , he feels the added thought slip into his head from hers (did she send it or was it an accident) and the realisation that she knows he cares for it (that she knows he weak he is for it, because of it) shocks him deep.

“No!” he roars and reaching out to grab her with the force, to chock her with it. Everything goes quiet except for her chocked breaths as she floats, her toes just barely touching the ground, and he holds her life in his hands (if only briefly).

He doesn’t know if he lets her go of if she uses her own powers to make him. Either way she drops, hunched over taking a deep breath, and then another. 

He won’t try to apologise. He knows it would be pointless either way (and he wants to maintain the image of the Big Bad Sith Lord remember? He _wants_ them to be scared of him).

“I’m not going to change my mind,” she says firmly and he’s reminded of his mother when he was young and trying to avoid taking a bath. The firm voice signalling a resolve that would not be easily broken. And just like his mother she still will give him something (because just like his mother she feels conflicted about ruling another person’s life fully). “I’ll tell Leia when I leave if you don’t tell someone before then.”

For a second Ben feels like he could bargain with her and have the terms altered (she’ll tell his mother when she gets back if it isn’t glaring obvious by then) but then she takes a breath and nods and he knows she has settled on the terms. She takes another breath as if reminding herself that no, he no longer has a hold of her throat, before giving him a weak smile and leaving the room.

He glares at the door after she leaves. Glares at the door and tries to imagine it as him glaring at her. The attack he was waiting for has finally come. The threat he knew she held over him (even if she wasn’t aware of it being a threat) would soon be fulfilled and there would be no more pretending on his part. He can’t really blame her; if their positions were reversed he knows he would have used the information much sooner, in much crueller ways.

He has less than a week to make his decision or else she will make it for him.

This time the bed does get thrown across the room. Thrown into the wall. It doesn’t splinter, it doesn’t break. It just slams and then slumps, much like his fist does on the wall until he finds himself curled in a ball in the corner of the room.

The want to vomit is back and it is growing. He knows at least it is an empty threat, there is no more food left on his stomach to bring back up. He hopes Rey’s threat is just as empty, but he isn’t such a fool to believe it to be. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who commented on the last chapter with ideas. Just being able to read other people’s ideas and talk helped me think about my own (/kidnap some of theirs) and really helped me figure out some of the important details that needed to be decided in order to continue this thing. Now we just have to hope I do suddenly loose all inspiration to write! 
> 
> Also – yes I am aware I keep switching between Ben/Kylo Ren. I’m doing it on purpose. Hopefully it works as well as I hope it does. 
> 
> Finally – soon I hope to post up a ‘side story’ series. Which will entirely be made up of things that I was inspired to write by the suggestions people made for how to continue that I wanted to write but wouldn’t fit in this fic. Some will be clearly just this fic gone a slightly different path, others will be a whole different fic but probably circling around the same themes. Plus some other things that were me writing down ideas that came to me that are potentially part of the universe of this fic but would never be in this fic itself (different POV, different time, etc.)

His father raises an eyebrow at the overturned bed but leaves it be. Ben doesn’t need to dig into his mind to know he thinks it is because of conflict over leaving the First Order. It would be the obvious bet and probably the truth if everything was the way Han believed it to be. Of course there is the extra piece of unshared information that holds the real truth but Ben isn’t about to hand that over just to explain an overturned bed.  

He maintains his attempts at hiding illness as sullenness. It doesn’t take long for his cold shoulder to cause his father to sigh and leave him alone.

Leia comes next, with his lunch, and a frown on her face. Apparently Rey _bruised._ He wants to blame her for it, wants to believe she bruises easily (like he does) and that it is all _her_ fault he is getting in trouble. He can only fool himself for a couple of seconds before the traitorous part of his mind reminds him that she had gone through quiet an ordeal before they returned to the resistance base and held very few bruises from _that_. So he listens to his mothers pleas for him to explain to her why it happened. He listens and gives her half true answers despite the fact he can tell she knows he is hiding something.

He gathers from his mother’s questions that Rey also gave an altered version of the truth as to what happened. She told everyone that she had said something to set him off but refuses to reveal what that something was. Ben takes his cues from that and similarly refuses to reveal the trigger-words.

The whole time he contemplates telling his mother, turning the half truths into full ones. Fix both his problems with one sentence. Rey cannot threaten to tell his mother if his mother already knows. His mother will not stay angry at him if his outburst was in defence of his unborn child.

Instead he sticks with his plan from the day before – channel sickness into sullenness, a want to vomit into harsh words. Eventually his mother gets exhausted dealing with him and leaves him ‘to his tantrums’.

After that conversation Ben doubts he will see Rey that day, figures he will be lucky to see her at all again before she leaves. There will not be another chance for him to try and bargain with her and she will tell his mother the information he is still fighting to keep hidden before she leaves to go train with his uncle (to figure out how to destroy the people he still claims to be loyal too).

Just as he is reaching a peace with that fact (the first and potentially only time he has ever found peace with unwanted information) Rey comes in with his dinner. Finn follows her into the room looking more and more unsure about his decision to do so by the second. Kylo Ren needs to feel in control of something again so he takes the chance that is presented to him.

“Are you her body guard now? Here to stop me from causing her harm?” Finn squirms under the questions which goads Kylo into continuing. “Do you really think you can stop me?”

“Stop it!” Rey says, coming to the defence of her new _friend_. There are bruises on her neck but only faint ones. He is almost jealous at how much abuse her body can take without showing any sign of it. His own skin bruises at even the slightest of bumps; he knows he is covered with them from his escape with his father. He is almost sure that if she was the one pregnant she wouldn’t feel any need to vomit unlike him.

“Or what?” He will still challenge her, even if he knows he will lose.

“Or you won’t get any food.” Ben knows that to Rey the threat is probably an extreme one. To him it just reminds him of his childhood and brief punishments after arguments with his parents. He knows he should probably be more scared of it in his new situation. Knows he should eat every bit of food offered in case his captors decide to stop feeding him. But he doubts his parents or Rey would actually let it happen so it is easy for him to brush it off still.

“I’m not hungry.” He turns his back on them to show that his decision is final. He hopes they take the cue and leave.

“Have you eaten anything today?” Rey asks and he knows she is talking about the two other trays of food that still look full from his previous meals of the day.

“Yes.” He had eaten a couple of mouthfuls from each before the fear of vomiting made him stop. Apparently the answer isn’t good enough for her (he swears she is in his mind from the ways she can read the truth from him but can’t sense her in it anywhere).

“You need to eat!” She seems annoyed at his refusal. Acts as if it was a choice he made to harm himself or the child instead of something he has done because of how pointless he finds it to be. Why eat when you are only going to throw it up later?

He tells her that. He doesn’t tell her that it is easier to not vomit when his parents visit if he knows there is  nothing on his stomach to bring up. He knows it would only annoy her more.

“Then I’m telling someone!”

“Don’t you dare!” Finn takes two steps back at the snarl and Ben is so grateful that _someone_ still finds him to be intimidating despite the fact Rey stands firm.

“No. This cannot be good. So I’m telling someone so they can figure out what is wrong.”

“And I am telling you: there is nothing wrong.”

“Then eat,” Rey says nodding over to the tray of food she has brought in with her and Ben realises this is another one of those things she won’t be budging on. When she came in he thought he had a chance of extending the time before she would force his secret to be revealed, instead there is now a risk of its time being known by only the two of them coming to an end at that moment.

At least Finn hasn’t figured out what they are talking about. Storm Trooper training had been specifically designed to prevent them from building mental barriers that might stop Kylo (or Snoke, or the other Knights of Ren) from entering their minds and Ben will take advantage of that to ensure he isn’t fighting Rey over nothing. That he won’t win the argument with her only to have Finn spill it all over the base.

He is lucky and Finn has not figured it out. Finn is too busy trying to decide whether to be scared of Kylo Ren’s tempter or brave and protect Rey from it to really think about what they are talking about.

Finn moves out of the way (and slightly behind Rey who rolls her eyes at him) when Ben moves across the room to grave food and a chair. He takes it back to the corner and sits. He takes a bite out of the bread (the plainest thing on the tray), chews, swallows it, and then returns his attention to Rey. “Satisfied.”

“Nope.” She sits against the wall on the other side of the room, apparently intent on watching him eat the rest.

“Wait. We’re staying until he’s finished eating?” Finn asks, a minor element of panic poorly-masked in his voice.

“Yep.”

“I thought you said this would be quick?”

“Well apparently plans change. Now come on!” She reaches up to tug Finn down to sit next to her.

Finn eyes Kylo like he could suddenly start force chocking them any second. Ben does admit that it is probably a reasonable fear from someone who had served under him. Rey clearly does not agree and scoffs at Finn. “He’s not going to attack you.”

“Are you sure about that?” Finn asks, eyes the bruise on her neck suspiciously.

“I’m sure.”

They stay with him until he eats enough to satisfy Rey then she gathers the three trays and the two of them leaves.

Ben has to admit he feels better having eaten more than a few mouthfuls and even manages to keep it all down for the night. When he tries breakfast the next morning he isn’t as successful.

The next two days pass much the same. He spends his parent’s visits trying to find the right moment to tell them but never taking them when they are identified. Rey’s visits are spent with her watching him to make sure he actually eats (and whoever she brings with her watching her as if she is a mad-woman for doing so). The time between is spent trying to decide which of his parents he should tell and wondering exactly how long he has until Rey tells for him.

His father would panic. Han would probably try to pretend he wasn’t but Ben would know. Still there would be comfort in his father’s panic. Comfort in the fact his father no more knows what to do with the situation than he does.

His mother on the other hand would be sympathetic and kind. She would carry a wealth of knowledge with her and probably know how to make the sickness go away (know if it really is something to not worry about or if he has miscalculated). But then his mother also carries information he doesn’t want to know, and information he knows but doesn’t want to deal with (won’t deal with until his hand is forced).

He knows it doesn’t matter which he tells. As soon as one knows they will tell the other. Still, he doesn’t know which one he wants to know first (which one to disappoint first). So he spends his time alone trying to weigh up the pros and cons of telling each one and spends his time with them trying to keep it a secret.

He knows the timer of Rey’s ultimatum will run out soon but he can’t seem to make the decision no matter how he tries.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Naturally of course when I go to write the part I am most looking forward to writing suddenly my anxiety hits and fuels a writer’s block of constant self-doubt (also emotional crap is just hard to write). 
> 
> Also FYI I’ve started to post the ‘side stories’ of this thing (things that are only connected to it by the fact they were inspired by me writing it / the comments I got on it). Just go to my main account of wherever you read this from and it’ll be there. 
> 
> Warnings: implied talk of rape, one line of victim-blaming (look he is not in a good mental place and it does fall in line with his character)

Ben had thought Rey would have at least given him a day’s notice of her leaving. Not that it would have done him any good. If ‘you have until the end of the week’ wasn’t a powerful enough motivator for him to tell his parents when he had the chances too, ‘you have until tomorrow’ probably wouldn’t have done it either. Still, it would have been nice to know when his mother was going to be told.

Instead Leia is informed without him knowing and manages to time her next visit to be in the middle of another one of his stomach’s attempts of emptying its entire contents (and then some).

He can sense her in the room and quickly starts going through the many excuses he had thought up to use in the event of this exact situation happening. The food didn’t agree with him, or, he’s probably caught some bug from his guards, or maybe, the stress of being cooped up in a room so long is getting to him. Instead she beats him to the punch.

“You know, out of all the pregnancy symptoms, I think morning sickness was my least favourite.” He knows his whole body tenses at the words, can _feel_ his whole body tense at them and can feel his mother’s smugness at his reaction from the other side of the room (he isn’t going to try and claim he doesn’t deserve it).

He wants to ask if she figured it out herself. Wants to demand what gave him away. Then he does the math (and over-analyses every interaction over the past few days) and realises that no, she probably didn’t figure it out by herself and Rey must have told her. He fails to resist the urge to curse under his breath.

“I thought I taught you not to swear,” the jab is in good humour and his mother crosses the room to gently pull his hair away from his face. She pulls it into a loose plait and moves back to the bed (which has been returned to its place after sleeping on the floor became too uncomfortable) to allow him to finish emptying what is left of his stomach. The braiding is such a simple action, one that she probably didn’t think anything of, but it brings back memories of his childhood. Reminds him of the times when he was young and plagued with a weak stomach and constantly finding himself vomiting. She had the same calmness back then, the same gentle hands running through his hair to pull it away from his face. He briefly thinks she would make a good grandmother but pushes the thought away – he is aware what being pregnant means for his future but for now he still wishes to remain blind.

Once Ben’s stomach apparently has finished emptying itself and after he washes his mouth out he can reply to his mother. Not look at her yet but can still managed to get some sort of defensive jab out. He isn’t about to let her be the only one with words that can cut.

“I’m guessing Rey has left to go train with Luke then,” he is almost proud of the venom he manages to imbue his uncle’s name with. The hatred he (claims he) still holds for the man reminding his mother that no, he hasn’t come back to the light side, he has been forced there by circumstances out of his control (she can probably figure out what those circumstance are now).

“No, I figured it out all by myself,” again, there is a sardonic humour about the words. She returns his bitterness with some of her own. “Do you really think you’re the only person who knows what a child feels like with the Force? Did you really think I wouldn’t figure it out?”

“You didn’t say anything.”

“I was waiting for you to.” So that is why she is disappointed in him? She had spent every single one of their conversations waiting for him to reveal it (or to do something that confirmed her suspicions – he can never be sure with his mother) only to have Rey tell her (probably told her about the agreement too, about how she had given him the chance to reveal it himself).

“Does dad know?” The words slip out of his mouth before he can stop them. He bites the inside of his cheek as punishment for the failure. Punishment for being unable to even _pretend_ he isn’t falling back into his old associations with them - the associations with them as his parents instead of them as his enemies. All the training he had done to be better than this and a week back with them and he’s falling apart so easily.

“Oh so he’s ‘dad’ again?” Leia asks and Ben has to resist the urge to just force-choke her and be done with it. He realises that it is a dumb idea, even if he was able to kill her it would still likely end with his immediate execution and he _can’t just think about himself anymore_ can he?

“No he doesn’t know yet,” his mother pauses as if she is waiting for him to comment on that (perhaps make a biting retort?) but Ben has nothing to say and the bile is raising up in his throat so he leaves the silence hanging until she fills it. “Rey told me just before she left with him to go find Luke. I didn't even see him after I found out. I’ll tell him when he comes back.”

“And how long will that be?” The question holds a myriad of others: Are they just going there to pick Luke up and return with him? Is Han dropping Rey off to train with Luke and returning himself? Is Han going to _stay there_ while Luke trains Rey?

“I never know with your father.” There is a wistfulness to her tone and Ben remembers all those time as a child when his father would leave him with his mother and be gone so long Ben believed him to be dead (his mother never did though) only to show up again with an joke that doubled as an apology for Leia and some _gift_ for Ben that was supposed to make everything alright.

An awkward silence rests between them and Ben finds himself examining the tap on the sink as if he is trying to memorise it’s every detail to report back on his (unlikely) return to the First Order, as if it holds the secrets of the resistance. The (slowly dying) part of him that is Kylo Ren wants to come out swinging, turn the conversation so his mother is on the defensive, not him. Point out that his father’s inconsistency of location was a third of the reason he turned to the dark-side in the first place. It feels petty though and he knows he would just be shifting the blame from where it rightfully rests on his shoulders. His father didn’t kill those people, didn’t kill those children. That thought sinks into his gun like a lead weight and rests horribly in the pit of his stomach. Someone would have had to tell their parents, tell them what he had done to their children. He wants to throw up again (and this time not because of morning sickness).

Leia gives a sigh before breaking the silence that has been sitting far too long. “Enough about that though. I have questions of my own to ask.”

“Like what?”

“Like who I have to kill and bury on a barely inhabitable moon that no-one will ever find their body on?” It’s clearly meant as a joke but Ben can _see_ the thoughts that are in her head (she must be letting him, unable to form the words herself but wanting the questions asks), the multitude of scenarios that could cause him to conceive a child, each more horrible then the last. He is reminded of the thought he had a few days prior: pregnant people don’t just flee somewhere unless they have a good reason too. Clearly his mother has the same thought as he did, and has managed to think of all possible (horrible) reasons to want to leave.

He turns around to yell at her. Scream at her for daring to believe he would be so weak as to let _that_ happen to him. He stops when he sees her eyes are wet and red. She’s been crying recently and is probably about to start again.

“You’re crying,” he says, frozen in place and her eyes focus on his.

“No I’m not.”

“You’re about to.” His feet move without his command, and he sits on the bed and gently holds her hands without giving a single thought to his body to move. It is only then he realises just how much smaller she is then him, how much smaller she looks than his memories of her. She is just as human as he is, just as able to make mistakes (and yet she never managed to commit ones as bad as he has even after everything that had happened to her). He suddenly wants to apologize for everything, start listing his crimes off to beg for forgiveness for each and every one of them. She doesn’t give him the chance.

“I’m fine. It’s nothing really. I just didn’t expect to become a grandmother like this.” _At all,_ goes unsaid but he knows it is there, resting in the still air.

“I’m sorry.” He has managed to rein himself in enough to not fall to the ground begging forgiveness for his long list of sins but he still feels the need to apologize for something.

“It’s fine.” Her hands hold his firm and she forces him to look at her before she continues. “You do want this though, right?”

He knows she means the pregnancy but it feels like she’s also talking about him coming home. Although both still have the same answer.

“I don’t know.” Leia’s breath hitches at that statement and he shakes his head as he realises he does know even if he doesn’t want to admit it. He wouldn’t have done everything he has done if he didn’t know. It is time he faced reality (no matter how painful it was). “I think so.”

His mother doesn’t ask him if he is sure, doesn’t ask him why he thinks so. She doesn’t even ask him anymore questions, just pulls him close to hug and he realises it’s the first time she’s done this since she met him on his father’s ship. Realises that she had been holding back from him for the week (waiting for him to make the first move).

“We’ll work this out,” Leia says, but her voice is shaky. There is so much stuff to work out. So many decisions he has to make about what to do _now_ that it seems impossible. He trusts his mother though (still, even after all those years of hating her) and thinks that maybe they just might be able to.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god this chapter took so long to start. I had what I wanted to happen next but I kept being like ‘do I need to have something before that?’ and then once I did that I kept being like ‘how do I go from the filler stuff to the actual event?’ UUUUGGGGGGHHHH. Writing’s hard. 
> 
> Also writing action is hard. Why did I decide to do this again?

The days are dull without Rey and his father around. Ben didn’t realise how much time (and effort) he spent on their visits. Previously he had spent his time alone trying to figure out how to keep it a secret. Spent it thinking of new lies to cover symptoms, new bargains to try and delay Rey from sharing the knowledge. Now there was no need for the time to be spent on that. His mother knew and soon his father would as well (and after them the rest of the Resistance – his parents would be fools to not use it to try and ensure his safety).

His mother does spend more time with him (even if that time is mostly filled with awkward silences and questions half-asked) but she has obligations to fulfil that take up the majority of her days. So he finds he spends most of his hours waiting eagerly for her next visit. It is not that he particularly enjoys them or wants to spend hours with his mother as both of them try to find the right words to say, the right (safe) questions to ask, but he prefers the awkwardness over the slowly settling regret that comes to him when she is gone (filling the time where Snoke’s whispers used to keep him company).

As the days go by their conversations became a bit less awkward, a bit more open. His mother apologises for the flaws in her parenting when he was a child, he admits that turning to the dark-side and trying to destroy everything his parents had built probably (possibly, _maybe_ ) was an overreaction to said flaws. It is slow steps (and many topic dropped as soon as they are opened) but they start to find a peace in their relationship.

It was just as he is accepting that his father had either stayed with Rey and Luke or has vanished into the galaxy again that Poe Dameron comes into his cell (he had only settled on that as the name for the room because he couldn’t freely leave). He wouldn’t think much about it (perhaps Rey had convinced Dameron to talk to him and he had only just gotten around to it; perhaps Dameron had just wanted to talk to him himself, he deserved it after what Kylo had done to him) if it wasn’t for the fact the man has a blaster on him and Kylo’s lightsaber poorly hidden where it had been clearly shoved hastily into his pocket (the man obviously didn’t want to touch it more than he had to).

“What are you doing?” Ben tries to sound intimidating, tries to make it sound like he is demanding an answer. He tries to mask the fear. He knows what could be done with his lightsaber and a blaster.

“You’re mother said you were getting lonely so I thought I would keep you company,” is Dameron’s reply. He sounds like he was straining to keep his voice under control as well, as if he is also hiding a rising panic. It doesn’t help Ben determine his motives for being their (with a blaster and his lightsaber).

“Prove it.”

“How?”

“Show me.”

“What? No! No! You are not getting back into my head!”

“Then I should kill you.”

“What!? Why?” Dameron shifts as if to ready the blaster before realising what he is doing (and obviously realising what the situation looks like). “No. I’m not here for _that_. I would never- You’re defenceless.”

“I am not defenceless!” He still has the force. Just as he goes to reach out and _prove_ just how defenceless he really is the room shakes from the shockwaves of an explosion. “What was that?”

Dameron gives a nervous laugh before replying. “It’s nothing, probably just some training gone wrong.”

Ben’s eyes narrow and Dameron takes a careful step back. “Why are you here?”

“I said your mother-“

“The truth this time.”

Ben watches as Dameron takes a careful swallow before carefully shaking his head. “It’s nothing you need to worry about.”

“Tell me!” It is easy to break into Dameron’s mind again, easy to find the memory he was looking for (it wasn’t as if Dameron was desperately hiding it this time).

_His mother and some other members of the resistance in the meeting room, Poe with them to organise some attack (unimportant). The earth shaking lightly from the feeling of a far off explosion. The warning sirens going off and people rushing here and there preparing for an attack. Poe running out to see what was happening. Storm Troopers attacking the outer areas of the base. Poe informing his mother of what the sirens were about. His mother telling Poe to come watch her son and handing him his lightsaber with a serious look on her face-_

Dameron pushed back and Kylo slips from his mind willingly. Suddenly the blaster and lighsaber make sense for a different reason (his mother really is too soft).

Dameron glares at him and Ben refuses to buckle under it. He deserved to know that the base was being attacked, deserved to know that he was in danger (that the heartbeat that rested inside him was in danger – not that Dameron would know about that).

Just as Dameron is about to say something (probably some angry comment about him breaking into his mind, possibly including a comment about how Rey/Leia/Finn/whoever was wrong and he still was not good) the room shakes again with more force. The attack is getting closer. Both of them stare at the door, waiting for it to be blown off at any moment.

“Give me my lightsaber.”

“No way.”

“Give it to me now!” Just as he takes a grip of it through the Force and drags it from Dameron’s side to his hand the door gives way and three Storm Troopers enter.

Kylo Ren could now escape if he wanted. He has his weapon back, he has back up standing right there in the entrance to the door. All he has to do with kill Poe Dameron (easy enough, the man’s back turned to him in his want to focus on the more immediate threat of the Storm Troopers, he probably doesn’t even realise Kylo has his lightsaber back) and walk out.

“Lord Ren we have come to collect you.” Yes they have. They have come to get him and return him to his rightful place beside Snoke, within the Force Order. The whispers are back, stronger then they had been when he was a child and first called to the darkness. Snoke hadn’t felt the need to reach out to him like that for a long time, but obviously his time blocked from sending or receiving any communications through the Force had given his master concerns and he is trying to ensure Kylo Ren is still loyal to him.

It would be so easy. So easy to go back to them. The whispers tell him Snoke _knew,_ that Snoke knows what to do about it. He just had to kill those stopping him from returning and all would be forgiven. Snoke had forgiven him already, he had faith that he could do what was needed to return to his rightful place in the galaxy. Return to him and bring the child with him.

The Storm Troopers fall easily.

Poe Dameron stands frozen in place staring at him as if his entire view of the galaxy has been changed by that one action.

“You are supposed to be protecting me right?” Ben asks and Poe manages a nod. “Then we have to go.”

“But-“ His mother told Poe not to move him (his mother also told Poe not to give him the Lightsaber unless he had no other option).

“They will know I am here now and will converge. Do you want to fight the entirety of the squadron off?” They had been sent to bring Kylo Ren back. Ben has a feeling that the orders finished with ‘whether or not he is willing’.

He does not want to go back. He nearly laughs out loud at that realisation, but doesn’t out of fear that his new ‘guard’ might accidently shoot him if spooked. It should be an obvious realisation, really, he had left them in the first place, but he had thought it was a lapse in judgement, a mistake that he just needed to rectify. Now that the option of returning is actually made available to him he wants to fight it with everything he’s got.

He’s not exactly sure _who_ he’s fighting for, but he knows he’s fighting for the freedom of someone and that is all that matters.

Poe eventually returns to the world of the thinking and gives a nod. “Let’s go then.”

The resistance base is a confusing tumble of paths that intersect at the most illogical of places and lead to nowhere or somewhere that makes no sense for them to lead to. It is nothing like the First Order’s bases but is everything like Ben’s childhood. Poe seems to know his way around the paths so Ben allows him to take the lead (he is aware that Poe could be leading him anywhere, could be leading him to a fire-fight, or worse, a secluded passage where no-one will see what happens).

Apparently the First Order didn’t think the base was that well defended (or perhaps whoever was actually in control of the selection of troops for the mission didn’t think Kylo Ren that important – either way someone will be punished for it) because they were falling like flies at the resistance’s retaliation. There are still plenty to pick off though and Kylo Ren gets to celebrate his freedom from captivity with the destruction he had been craving since he had walked onto his father’s ship.

It is over all too quickly (at least in Kylo’s mind) and soon the base has returned to some semblance of calm.

His mother finds them both and pulls Ben into a tight hug that he easily returns.

Once she releases him she gives Poe a hug of his own and Ben can hear her mutter, “thank you.”

Once she has released Poe, Ben finds himself being led through the base by her. His mother’s hand is clamped tight on his wrist (the one that holds his lightsaber but she has not taken that off him yet).

A meeting has already been called, which only makes sense seeing they now know the enemy knows where they are and is willing (and able) to attack. The celebration after their previous victory is now officially over, time to return to the seriousness of war.

“We need to change locations.” That is obvious but the plan for how is more difficult. Especially with him in the room, but they can’t do anything about that seeing the cells have all been broken into by the Storm Troopers attempts to find him and there is nothing that could keep him contained to a level that would make everyone comfortable.  

Still a plan is made and everyone is quick to their feet again to pack up the base. His mother doesn’t help much but he guesses no-one is going to complain about that because she instead spends the time with him. To everyone else it looks like she is ensuring he doesn’t try to escape (with the location of the new base) or kill someone or worse. To him she is checking he has not been overly injured from the fight that everything is still _right_.

She still hasn’t taken his lightsaber back off him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHHHHHYYYYYY IS LUKE SO HARD TO WRITE!?!?!?!? WHHHHYYYYY DIDN’T HE HAVE LINES IN THE MOVIE!?!??!? ((and he ended up with... what? One line in this entire thing... we might be screwed when he actually starts holding real conversations) WHHHHYYYYYY DID I KEEP GETTING STUCK LIKE EVERY SECOND PARAGRAPH!?!?!?!? ... ... ... ... ... yeah... sorry about the wait... 
> 
> Most of this is a bit iffy. I know what I want to do once they got on the ship but getting them on the ship was a bitch to write (it’s sort of this lull that, while important to write, hasn’t got much substance – I would have just skipped it if not for the one bit that I had been building up to last chapter). Hopefully the next bit is a better.

It is just as they finish packing up the base that Han returns, with Rey and Luke in tow.

His father apparently is the most surprised at the damage. “What in the - . What happened here?”

“An attack,” Finn, who had come over to join the welcoming party to see if Rey returned (which upon confirmation resulted in a disgusting hug between the two of them that Dameron was soon dragged into), says.

“Sorry to make you leave as soon as you have arrived but the whole base is due to be shipped to the new location today,” Leia says moving to give the still confused Han a hug.

Ben stands back from the group trying not to let his discomfort show. It would have been better if he was still in his cell, he’d probably only have to face the returning four one at a time. Instead Snoke sent a group to ‘recover’ him and in doing so cause enough damage to make the cell unusable and Ben to have to face all that were returning at once.

He takes comfort in the fact that his uncle looks just as uncomfortable where he stands on the other side of the group.

Ben finds himself watching his uncle. Watching as Luke ducks his head, trying to avoid Leia’s gaze and her inevitable attention. He has no trouble meetings Ben’s though and the two briefly stare off until Ben averts his eyes (not because he was ashamed of course, he isn’t ashamed of what he has done, he just can’t think of the real reason at that moment).

Ben finds himself reaching towards his lightsaber that is hidden in the folds of his clothing (he is still in the same clothes he had arrived in although the belt had been removed when it had started to feel too tight), his eyes not leaving the spot on the floor they have focused onto. He can feel Luke raise his eyebrow at the movement and Ben freezes, realising exactly what he is doing. Would he really try and attack his uncle in the open like that? Was he really so stupid as to believe such an act would end well for him (for the child)? The voice in his head that belongs to Snoke says that he could, that he _would._ Snoke says that doing so would prove himself to the Supreme Leader, would redeem him. Ben doubts his chances of actually winning such a fight, especially with all the other people around that would come to Luke’s defence. He blames that doubt on the child, and ignores the other voice that is more his own that tells him the truth.

Ben’s hand returns to its idle resting by his side and he refuses to raise his eyes from the ground, refuses to meet the gaze that is still watching him.

Luke makes a move towards Ben but Leia intercepts in to pull him into a tight hug (much tighter than the one his father got but then Leia had seen Han relatively recently) and a lecture for _vanishing_ on them for so long.

Luke apologises and Ben lets out the breath he has clearly been holding. He should have stayed in the room. He should have killed Poe Dameron and returned to the First Order. He should have done anything to avoid having to face his uncle with the rest of his family (and the new apparent power-trio of the light) there to see (to stop him from killing the person he swore he would end all those years ago).

Han is quick to organise the younger trio to start packing the things onto the Falcon that need to go to the new destination. Dameron is going on a different ship (he is the _best pilot in the resistance_ ) but has already packed his earlier. In fact most of the other ships were already packed, the small amount of stuff left had been earmarked to be left behind had the Falcon not showed up (Ben knows this because he had to sit through the badly-coded-conversations between Leia and the others in charge of how to split all the supplies between the various ships, his mother unwilling – or perhaps unable -  to let him leave her side).  

The three get to work and Leia finally allows Luke free of her reprimand just as Han has turned on Ben to tell him to help load the ship up. His father looks unsure, unsure as to whether he still has the right to tell his son what to do (and he probably doesn’t, no-one has the right to order Kylo Ren around except the Supreme Leader), but Han Solo is too stubborn of a man to let his uncertainty stop him from trying. His father doesn’t know that he has been ‘behaving’ for the last few days, behaving so he doesn’t get shoved back into some cage or another (probably less pleasant then the one he had previously been in). Been behaving so his mother didn’t take his lighsaber off him (he needs it for something, for the week he wasn’t sure for what but is now starting to get some idea). Han Solo looks honestly surprised when his son merely gives him a muted nod before moving as if to pick up a box. It apparently wasn’t a pleasant surprise.

“Actually on second thought just get on the ship.”

Ben doesn’t argue that either. He isn’t going to waste his energy. He’ll need it later. There are plenty of places of hide on the Falcon but his father knows them all (and his mother and uncle know most). He is going to be stuck in an enclosed space with them for the trip and this time they won’t be able to leave it either.  

Rey is apparently more interested in showing off her new control of the Force than working and Luke (now released from Leia’s attention – Ben’s mother still having things to organise and now no longer required to keep him as a shadow with _Luke Skywalker_ here has vanished to do them) seems to happy to watch them. Han is grumbling about, “kids,” but it’s not malicious. It’s the sort of grumbles he would give Ben when _he_ would mess around and show off his control of the Force instead of doing what he was supposed to be as a child. Snoke says that Rey has replaced Ben in their hearts, that they don’t want him back. Ben still isn’t sure if he wants _them_ back (he knows he doesn’t want things to return exactly as they were when he was a kid, remembers the reasons he left in the first place).

When Ben reaches the doorway to the Millennium Falcon he can feel everyone freeze and _watch_. Luke is there, giving Ben a look like he is trying to figure out what is going on in his head. He isn’t trying to find out though; there is no creeping feeling of him pushing into Ben’s mind, not even one of him brushing against it. No, Luke’s powers seem closed in on himself.

Ben can feel Dameron taking a step forward in the background and Rey gently grabbing his wrist to stop him.

“Just give them a minute.”

“No you don’t understand. He has-“

Ben doesn’t give Dameron the chance to finish the sentence, finish the warning of _what_ he has back in his possession. He reaches inside his clothes to where the lightsabre rests and pulls it out, reveals it to the group.

He can hear Rey let out a breath, probably the only indication that she is startled, and feels her move to prepare for a fight. He was right, the knowledge she carries about him won’t stop her from doing what needs to be done to stop him, won’t stop her from fighting (and possibly seriously harming) him ( _them_ ).

Luke doesn’t give such reaction, but he has the advantage of seeing Ben’s face, of watching his reaction. Ben knows he is too expressive. His childhood memories full with Han saying how his son would make a terrible gambler, that he had, “no poker face”.  Part of the reason Kylo Ren wore a mask was to hid his expressions. Ben Solo had no such protections and Luke had known him since he was born.

He wonders what Luke can read. Wonders how much of the situation he is giving away from his face alone. Does his uncle already know he is pregnant? Does Luke know just how _scared_ (weak) he is because of it?

The lightsaber that normally feels so light weighs heavy in his palm. Can Luke read that in his expression? Can he read how fond Ben is of it? Can he tell how much this is going to hurt?

Ben holds the lightsaber out and Luke carefully (with the respect it deserves) takes it off him.

“Thank you,” Luke says and Ben tries to square his jaw. Tries to now show his uncle the emotion he knows he feels, tries not to be such an easy read.

He continues onto the ship, ignoring Han’s annoying, “how’d he get _that_ again?”. Ignores the relieved breaths that come from Rey, Finn, and Dameron.

He will have to deal with them all (well most, Dameron thankfully won’t be with them for this journey) during the trip. For now he just wants to be alone.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random image to go with this fic (but not this chapter): Kylo Ren lying in his bed with his fingers to his pulse as he comes to realise the heartbeat he keeps hearing (that he is sure originates from inside his body) is not his own. 
> 
> So sad I didn’t lay the groundwork for Rey to be Luke + Han’s kid. I’ve been messing around with it in the side-stories + headcanons on tumblr and I’m just really in love with Ben + Rey being half siblings (+ cousins). How I wish I could go back and add that in *sighs*. 
> 
> I know I said ‘no cliff-hangers’ but this thing was getting long and well… I think by this point we all know I’m probably not going to just drop it… hopefully.

There are many places to hide on the Millennium Falcon and Ben, having spent large parts of his childhood on the ship, knows most of them. The number of ones that were still viable for him has shrunk now that he is no longer the slim child he had been the last time he was on the ship (leaving Starkiller base not included). Still, he feels certain in the fact that Rey and Finn would not be able to find him, and reasonably sure his mother and uncle won’t either. He always knew he couldn’t hide from his father on the ship. He hopes Han stays busy piloting it, or at least pretends to be once Leia tells him the secrets Ben had been keeping from him (from them both).

He will have to face it eventually. Have to face _them_ knowing. There is no escaping it, especially not in the confined spaces of the Millennium Flacon. There is a lot of places to hide on it but none that a person can stay in forever.

He cannot avoid his father forever and apparently Han as much the same thinking when it comes to avoiding him.

“Your mother told me,” are the first words that come out of his father’s mouth and Ben can _feel_ how uncomfortable he is with the topic. Knowing his parents his father did probably try to fake busyness only to have Leia force him to find his son.

“And?”

“And what?”

“What do you think?” Is he disappointed? Disgusted? No matter how many times Kylo Ren tells himself he doesn’t care what his father thinks about it he still wants to know.

“I don’t know,” Han replies, “I feel like I should be threatening someone but…” There are so many things that would make his father unsure about his right to want to protect his son’s ‘ _virtue_ ’.

“I do not need your protection,” he snaps because it is the only thing he knows how to do. He knows how to push his father away, how to get him to leave him alone. Hopefully with enough failed conversations the topic will forever be dropped. He knows that is impossible, it will only become a more pressing one as time goes on. He can still hope otherwise.

“No you don’t, you never did,” Han says and Ben finds himself once again spinning around to face one of his parents. There is pride in his father’s eyes as well as sadness. Snoke tells him that his father is weak, so weak that even with his stupidity he is aware of his son’s power. Aware that his son is stronger than is, has always been stronger then him. Snoke tells him that he should kill him now, kill him and hide the body. Pick them off one by one.

“I needed it once,” the words are barely a whisper but Han can apparently hear them.

“Ben,” he father says taking a step forward and his eyes are so _transparent_. Ben can see the fear and remorse in them. His father is blaming himself for all his sons crimes (it is his fault, Snoke reminds him, he was so weak to not see where his son’s talents truly lied).

“Don’t,” Ben warns but he is not sure what he is warning about. Not sure which route his father could take which would cause him the most pain – maybe it was all of them (maybe this is more about him than his father).

“What do you want me to do?” Han asks and Ben wishes he had an answer. Snoke suggests that he demands to be brought back to the First Order where he belongs. Ben isn’t sure what he wants. He misses the feeling of _knowing_ what he should do in a situation, misses being in control. He misses being alone in his head.

“Just leave me alone,” he says and his father looks like he wants to argue but doesn’t. Instead he goes to leave but not before pausing and meeting his son’s eyes.

“Tell me if you need anything,” he doesn’t give Ben a chance to reply (to make impossible demands) before he disappears back towards the main parts of the ship that Ben knows the rest of the group are occupying.

A part of him wants to go be there with them. Wants to force them to see what they have on board with them, the danger to their safety that he is. Snoke sneers that he is _weak_ for hiding like he is _ashamed_ of what he is. Ashamed of the power and potential he holds.

He wants his lightsaber back, wants to destroy the things surrounding him with it. Destruction was always more satisfying, more violent, with it.

He tries to mediate. Tries to channel the rage into power. He doesn’t know what he will use that power for but it is better then letting it dissipate into the air.

“Hey, can I join you?” his concentration breaks at the words and he turns to see Rey walking towards him as if he is a _friend_ instead of an enemy they have captured (Han probably told her where he was, Han likes her, maybe more than he ever did his son).

“Do you even know how to?”

“Yeah, Luke taught me.”

“Then you don’t know how to.”

Rey gives him a _look_ before settling down next to him (she is close, but not so close as to be in his space). She shuts her eyes and shuts out the world.

He doesn’t return to his own meditation, instead watches Rey in hers. Snoke points out all the flaws with her technique, all the ways Luke Skywalker is failing her (she would be stronger on the dark side, just as Kylo Ren is). He suggests Ben try to bring her over, kill the rest on the ship but take her captive. She could be useful.

Ben watches the way the Force moves around and through her.

After a minute one of her eyes open and Ben realises she has been aware of him watching.

“You’re doing it wrong,” he says in explanation and she laughs.

“Yeah, well, I’m still learning aren’t I?” She unfolds from the position she is currently in to find a more casual one before returning her attention to him. “How have you been while I was gone? I heard there was an attack.”

“Do you honestly believe you have the right to ask such questions of me?”

Rey shrugs in response. “Still wondering, I don’t think you’ve puked since I’ve gotten back so I’m guessing that’s gone away?”

“It’s gotten better,” there were still days where he seemed unable to go more than thirty minutes without feeling the need to vomit, but there were starting to be ones where he would go either the majority or (rarely) the whole day without it. He guesses he is lucky that today is one of later ones.

“It’s not a bad thing is it?” she grimaces with the words.

“No... it’s normal.”

Rey smiles like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. “That’s good!” she says and Ben realises that she had been worried. That she cared enough to be worried. He isn’t sure what he is supposed to do with the information (exploit it, is Snoke’s suggestion).

“It is.”

A silence falls over them that Rey seems content to let sit. Snoke’s voice in Ben’s head makes him hate it.

“What did you think of your teacher?” He bites the inside of his cheek the second the words leave his mouth. He doesn’t actually care. He doesn’t care what she thinks of his old teacher, what she thinks of his uncle. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks about the man because they are all wrong, have all been fooled into thinking him better then he actually is. Only Snoke and the First Order know the truth.

“Sad. He seemed sad.” The words aren’t what he thought the answer would be and they cut him in a way he did not expect (could never predict). Apparently Rey can tell because she gives him a small (reassuring) smile. “He was happy to hear that you came back home though.”

“Well he’s wrong because I haven’t returned home,” he replies and she gives him a pitying look (look at how weak he is that this pathetic girl is _pitying_ him, look at how far he has fallen in so little time). The truth is that he can’t return home because there is no _home_ to return to. No one place that he would consider to be the home of his childhood. Just a bunch of places that he had spent brief moments in. He probably spent the most time in the Millennium Falcon, but it doesn’t count – that was his father’s home, not Ben’s.

“What have you done then?”

“None of your business.” He gets up and leaves.

It’s after walking aimlessly through the Falcon for five minutes that he realises he didn’t know where he was walking away to (and at the time he thought he had such a clear idea). He knows he couldn’t stay there with Rey and her questions and her _looks_. He doesn’t want to see any of them, they all make his thoughts so clouded, make it so hard for him to see the _truth_. Snoke tells him he could be free of it all. He just needs to do as the Supreme Leaders says, just do as he’s told and everything will work out.

He manages to stumble onto Finn (or maybe Finn stumbles onto him – he looks just as unsure of the situation as Ben feels). “Hey,” the ex-Storm Trooper says and the crack in his voice betrays the calm he is trying to present to be his feelings.

“Kill him,” Snoke’s voice rings as clear as if he was in the room with them (yet only Kylo Ren can hear him), “kill the traitor.”

“Leave me alone,” Ben says and Finn looks like he’s about to until he apparently changes his mind and  takes a step towards him (fool, stupid _weak_ fool).

“Hey, are you okay? You seem… off?” Again that pitying, questioning look that belongs to Rey, and his mother, and his father. He _hates_ that look.

“I said leave me alone!” he roars the words and reaches out with the Force to make the electronics around them spark (he doesn’t reach for Finn though, doesn’t reach for his throat, and he knows from experience that it would be easy to do).

Finn eyes him warily before nodding, “okay, yeah, okay. I’ll let you get on with… whatever you’re doing.”

He flees and Snoke’s voice snarls at Kylo Ren. It calls him weak and a fool. Tells him he should of killed the traitor, should have killed his father and his mother. The girl he wants kidnapped but if that it ‘too hard’ she can die as well. He needs to kill them all and return to Snoke. Return and finish his training and rid himself of this pathetic weakness.

Kylo Ren wants his lightsaber back.

He knows where he can get it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly short but that’s because if I was to keep going to the next plot point it would end up ridiculously long. Plus this felt like a nice place to end it *shrugs* 
> 
> Did I ever mention that I’m not like 100% certain how the Force actually works (like rules of what you exactly can and can’t do). Because I feel like I should mention that. 
> 
> Also, still hate writing action scenes. And this one requires more description than the last... 
> 
> So I discovered that one of my computers auto-corrects ‘lightsaber’ to ‘lightsabre’… IDK but if it changes throughout the chapter that’s why. 
> 
> Still mourning them not being half-siblings thing. 
> 
> Warnings: violence, this chapter is mostly fight.

Luke is easy to find.

There is little reason for him to be hiding on a ship filled with family and friends and if he wanted to avoid Ben he wouldn’t have returned with Rey. Ben thinks he has probably been spending the whole trip waiting for his nephew to find him. Has been waiting for the confrontation or grovelling (Ben isn’t sure which his uncle believes he will give). Ben isn’t going to disappoint.

He can sense his lightsaber on his uncle. Sense it and grab it _pull it_ back to him.

Luke’s eyes widen as the lightsaber returns to its owner. They tighten when Kylo Ren turns it on.

“You don’t want to do this Ben,” he says calmly and that just isn’t fair. How _dare_ he be that calm. How dare he act like he is still in control of the situation. He should know how deadly Kylo Ren is; know it better than anyone else. He should be scared of what his student, his nephew has become. Scared or angry or _something_ that is not the calm he apparently feels.

“I don’t think you have any right pretending to know what I should or should not do.”

Ben moves to attack. He moves and ignores Snoke’s voice in his head that calls him a fool for it. He wasn’t supposed to start with Luke. He was supposed to start with Han or Finn. Start with the weakest and use the weakness the grief from their deaths would cause the others to his advantage. He was supposed to work towards returning to the First Order with the child (and Rey if he was able to turn her but even she is able to be sacrificed from the return of him and the child). He is not supposed to attack Luke now.

He doesn’t care what Snoke wants. Has had enough of being called _weak_. He will show the Supreme Leader exactly how powerful he is. Show him by taking out the biggest threat to the First Order.

Luke blocks the attack. The lightsabers spark where they meet.

“Ben, stop this!”

“No!” Kylo Ren pulls back before preparing for another attack.

Luke blocks that one as well.

The noise of the fight attracts the rest of the people on the Flacon. Good, let them bear witness. Let them see just how weak Luke Skywalker is. Just how strong Kylo Ren is. Let them see what he has become.

Han yells at his son to stop but Kylo Ren has not interest in listening to his father’s words. He has lost interest in listening to anyone. He needs to do this, he needs to rid himself of this problem and he won’t let anything stop him.

“Ben, no,” he can hear the mutter out of his mother’s mouth, hardly louder than a whisper. She seems to have already accepted his defeat, accepted that he going to lose _something_ in this fight. She believes him so weak. Believes him weak just like everyone else does. He channels his anger at her words into his lightsaber. Channels it as he pulls back to bring another attack down.

A lightsaber blocks this thrust but it is not Luke’s.

“Stop this,” Rey says and he can see the quick glance she makes to his stomach. As if she is checking it for injuries before remembering that she needs to stay focused on his movements. Stay focused on him if she wants to avoid being struck down. 

“Rey!” he is sure everyone else in the room calls her name. He can hear the echo of Snoke’s voice in his head telling him how they like her more, how she has replaced him in their hearts. Snoke’s real voice calls him a food. He has ruined everything because of his weakness. Tells him he should of just _listened._ That if he had listened and done as he was told he would be back at the First Order by now.

“Stop telling me what to do!” he roars as he goes to attack her. This time she parries the hit, forcing him back and away from Luke (into the open space of the area they are currently in).

“Then stop keeping secrets!”

“I am allowed to choose who to share information with.”

“Not with stuff like that!”

He can feel her pushing into his head. Feel as she tries to force her way into this thoughts (is this what it feels like when he does it? This level of _wrong_ ). When she finds Snoke’s voice there is a smugness to her presence that makes him fight and push back harder then he did before.

She has to jump back to avoid the swing of the lightsaber that accompanies him throwing her from his mind.

She is quick to re-stance (she is clearly still early in her training, her stance solid but awkward, something she has learnt but not yet become comfortable with) but she smiles like she _knows_ something. “Knew it.”

Snoke yells at them both in Ren’s head. Kylo Ren is weak and Rey is stupid. They are both useless.

That was why Snoke wanted Rey, Ben realises. He had already been reaching out to the girl, possibly had been from when Kylo went with his father. Trying to see if he can replace Kylo Ren with someone else. The part of Kylo Ren that is loyal to him believes he was only trying to turn her in case the worst happened, the part that holds his doubt (and is raising in power with each day he spends back with his family) knows that if he had of been successful with her he would have left him to rot in the resistance.

Judging from where Rey stands she has denied him. She has listened to all his promises and still said no. She is a fool.

“Why didn’t you accept him?”

“Why did you listen to him?”

“Because he is right.” Ben could do so much better than he would ever achieve with Luke as his teacher. Ben was special, destined for greatness, like his grandfather. The child will inherit his greatness. Will be strong like him and help to complete his grandfather’s mission. He just needs to stand down for now, stand down and listen to Snoke’s instructions as to how to clean up this _mess_ he has foolishly gotten himself into.

“Shut up!” he roars and realises that no-one in the room had been talking. That a silence had filled the air to all but himself.

Even Rey has stepped back, out of reach of his lightsaber. He stands alone in the middle of the room with everyone’s (pitying, weak, pathetic, useless) eyes on him.

“Ben,” Luke says and he starts to walk forward, walk towards his nephew. Ben snarls and goes to raise the lightsaber but Rey is there blocking it as Luke comes closer and closer to him.

A hand clasps around his own and the lightsaber is turned off. “Ben, let go.”

“No,” Ben says as Snoke screams yes.

“Why not?”

“Because that is what he wants me to do.”

“Who?” Han asks, looking desperate to be filled in. To know what is going on with his son. Ben really should have told him about the pregnancy before his father left to get Luke – it would only be one secret for him to find out today. One piece of information about his son that could change everything for him to find out at a time, instead of two in such short succession. He briefly wonders whether his father is even able to process it all.

“Snoke,” Rey says softly but her stance is still firm, will probably stay firm until the lightsaber is out of his hands and the danger passed.

“Ben trust me,” Luke says making sure to keep eye contact with his nephew. Making sure Ben can _see_ the honestly in his expression.

“Why should I?”

“Because I want to help you.” Ben knows he does not deserve it. He knows what he has done and how much it hurt his uncle. Yet he still wants to believe the words. Suddenly he understands how _Luke Skywalker_ talked _Darth Vader_ down. Kylo Ren is not stronger than his grandfather.

He lets go of the lightsaber and Luke takes it. “Thank you,” his uncle says as he passes it over to Rey and Ben can see in her face her distaste for it.

He brushes against her mind and finds a thought of throwing it out the airlock. “No!” He feels his power quickly growing at his distress. Feels the lightsaber ready to come back to his hand should he call it.

“Ben don’t,” luke says but it is not a warning or a command, merely a request. “Rey, give it to Leia.”

Rey nods before doing so (she seems glad to have it out of her possession) and Ben feels relatively certain his lightsaber isn’t going to end up floating out in the vastness of space. His mother would not risk him being weaponless should he need to defend himself. At least she wouldn’t in his current condition.

He finds himself centring back onto the heartbeat that is not his own. It is slightly rushed, probably in response to his own raised heartbeat (pumping adrenaline through both their bodies). It is calming though, now that he is calmed. It is returning to its normal rate. He does not need to worry.

Luke’s eyes seem to focus on him before they glance down. Ben watches as his uncle’s hand reaches out as if it wants to touch but can’t.

“You didn’t know.” He thought his mother would have told Luke the second she saw him. That was what would of happened when he was a child. There was no secrets between them, especially not when it came to Ben.

“No… I didn’t.”

“Does it change anything?” Of course it does. It changes the reason Ben defected. It changes his motivation to _behave_ while in enemy territory. It changes what can be done to him as punishment for his crimes. It changes everything.

“No it doesn’t,” Luke says and Ben can see no lie on his face. “It just adds something new.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m going to my dad’s house tomorrow for a week so the next chapter may be a bit more delayed than usual because I don’t actually know how much writing time I will get there if at all. Sorry. 
> 
> They’ll arrive at the destination soon. I just need a little bit more time of forced closeness that the Falcon gives me. Probably another chapter or two as a guess? 
> 
> UUUUGGGGHHH I didn’t realise how hard Chewie would be to write... UUUUUGGGHHHH I know how I WANT him to come across but I struggled so hard it getting the writing to show what I wanted.

He is alone again.

He is not completely alone of course, Snoke’s voice is constantly in his head. Still telling him how weak he is for being so foolish in his actions. If he hadn’t of had that weakness he wouldn’t of attacked Luke. If he had of been stronger, smarter, he would have listened to the Supreme Leader. Would have done as the Supreme Leader told him. He would have found a way to obtain his lightsaber without Luke knowing and then picked them off one by one (or done it without it). He would have returned to Snoke. Returned to where he rightly belonged in the universe.

He tries to tune Snoke’s voice out. But it is hard to something he hasn’t even attempted since he was a teenager. It is hard to do something he failed at last time he tried.

He misses his cell at the Resistance base. He had hated being cut off from Snoke’s voice and guidance at first but now he craves the silence the room gave him (the ever present heartbeat does not count – he does not know what he would do if he was cut off from that).

Everyone else on the Falcon is in the main area, probably trying to figure out what to do about him. He is tempted to creep into Finn’s mind to spy on them. He doubts the Storm Trooper training has been broken yet, he should be able to slip in unnoticed (unless his own weakness makes him fail and notifies Finn – and likely to others in the room – of his presence). He could slip in and watch, a silent viewer to their meeting. He could see how they talk about him when he is not there. See what they think about him, think about the threat they carry on-board with them.

He doesn’t want to know (doesn’t want Snoke to know).

He curls into a ball, his face pressed against his knees as he tries to find the parts of his mind that are silent. It is not that he doesn’t appreciate the Supreme Leader’s wisdom. He is still grateful for his guidance and help in making Kylo Ren reach his full potential. It is just that he wishes to have a chance to think the situation over by himself without the running commentary (insults) from Snoke.

“Ben,” Luke’s voice is quiet and careful, as if he fears startling his nephew. As if Ben couldn’t sense him approaching through the Force (he hadn’t actually – too caught up in his attempts to find quiet that he had allowed his weakness to make him blind).

He uncurls from the ball and looks up at his uncle, hoping the tears he feels welling up inside him have not yet reached his eyes.

He expects Luke to kneel down so they can meet eye-to-eye. That’s what his uncle would do when Ben was young and hiding from something that caused him grief. Instead Luke stays standing, but his eyes are soft.

“What do you want?”

“I thought I would come check on you.”

“Well you’ve checked on me. I haven’t done anything that warrants notification.” He doesn’t really expect his uncle to leave at just that but he can always live in hope.

“Ben,” Luke says as if seeing his nephew in this state is paining him. Which is insane. If their positions were reversed Ben would be revealing in the grief of a person who had caused him so much pain.

“Don’t,” Ben threatens, hoping that what worked on his father will work on his uncle.

“Don’t what?” Luke asks and Ben stays silent. How can he answer that when what he wants and doesn’t want has blurred to the point of being indistinguishable in the past few weeks.

“Ben what do you want?”

“I want to go back to the room.” Things were simpler then, or at least as simple as they had been since Rey had dug back into his mind and encouraged the doubt she had found there. He had known who his enemies where then. Known that his doubts were weakness, were things he had to get rid of in order to return to where he belonged. He only had to share his head with a heartbeat and had the ability to think through the solution to his problems. Now everything is muddled and tangled and Snoke’s suggestions seem unhelpful most of the time. He misses missing Snoke’s guidance. Misses being sure that the Supreme Leader is right.

“What room?”

“The one on the base that blocked the Force.” Surely Luke knew about it. Surely his mother had told his uncle about how he had been kept for the first part of his return (while everyone was still terrified of his defection at any second, before he had done something so stupid as killing the men sent to bring him back to the First Order).

The frown that Luke gains makes Ben second guess that assumption.

“Excuse me for a minute,” Luke says as he stands to leave. Ben bites down the want to try and stop him. Refuses the part of himself that wants to beg Luke not to leave. Not to leave him alone with his thoughts and the heartbeat and _Snoke_.

He soon curls himself back into a ball.

He’s soon finding himself wishing that someone on the ship would come find him. He knows it is weakness before Snoke even has the chance to inform him. It is weakness to crave the company of people you hate. It is weakness and he hates it but he hates the false-solitude more. It is easier to deal with when the voice you hate comes from a person across the room from you then when it originates from inside your own mind.

He gets his wish but it is not who he expects (although he should have realised it would be inevitable).

Chewie calls him a fool and a child but it has none of the heat that Snoke’s words hold when he calls him the same things. They are not faults to his uncle (which is what Chewie had always been to him, there is little use trying to deny him as family despite his attempts to deny them all). Ben grew up listening  to the wookie call his father so many things that if coming from Snoke’s mouth would mean a person worthless. They are not insults (most of the time at least). They are just comments on his decisions that have no real sway on how Ben is as a person (how Chewie views him as a person). He would probably always be a child to Chewbacca. Always be a child because Chewie had helped raise him and isn't that how parents always view their children? (he will find out soon enough). He is a fool for heaping so much responsibility on himself, for trying to grow up too fast.

Ben points out that he is thirty years old and most humans have children by that age (if they are going to have them at all). He knows that isn’t what his uncle means but he isn’t about to give up on his usual method of avoiding conversations he doesn’t want to have.

Even as a child Chewie would never let him get away with something that easily. His parents may be just as willing as he is to let conversations drop because of uncomfortableness but his uncle won’t.

Chewie doesn’t demand to know why, doesn’t beg him to explain the reasons of the decisions he makes. He just wants to know if he is okay now. Ben reminds him that he had just attacked and tried to kill his uncle. That they all now know he had a voice in his head telling him what to do and calling him a fool when he doesn’t do it.

Chewie makes a pitiful sound before sitting down next to Ben and pulling him into a tight hug. It is the same hug he would give Ben whenever he found out something bad as a child. One that nearly makes him believe that his uncle will protect him from anything (is able to protect him from anything). He knows that is impossible. Nobody can protect a person from themselves.

There is still comfort to be found. Comfort in the warmth of his uncles body (and the heartbeat that rests inside him, steady and warm).  He is still reasonably sure that there are not many things in the universe that can get through a Wookie with something it wants to protect.

They stay like that until Luke returns.

“Chewie, can I talk to Ben alone?” Chewie reluctantly gets up at Luke’s questions and leaves them.

Luke walks over to his nephew, and Ben tries to look defiant. Tries to pretend he wasn’t just cuddled against Chewbacca’s side. Tries to pretend that he is still scary and threatening and not self-destructing inside his own mind.

“Ben,” Luke says before pausing as if trying to find the words to use. Ben wants to find pleasure in that, the great Luke Skywalker brought to speechlessness before him. He more wants to know what Luke has to say. Wants to know if his uncle will bring him the chance at silence.

Luke swallows and frowns but he eventually finds the words he wants. “Do you want Snoke out of your head?”

“Don’t be a fool,” Snoke snarls at him but Ben ignores him. Ignores him and remembers having the ability to think without being constantly watched (he didn’t feel like that when was in the First Order, Snoke would only check in on him sometimes and he normally had prior warning of that, it wasn’t the constant presence he is suffering from currently). It is not that he wants to be completely rid of the Supreme Leader’s wisdom, he merely wants a chance at having some quiet to think his choices through (to think without being judged).

“Will it be permanent?”

Luke frowns at that, he clearly expected a yes or no answer (probably a yes after everything that has happened) but still gives a response. “Not if you don’t want it to be.”

Ben knows there is a chance that he is lying, Luke’s face is more guarded then he is normally and Ben cannot read it. He will have to keep watch for signs of later deception, of actions taken that will not be reversible should he change his mind. Even then he is not sure that he would mind having Snoke out of his head forever. He hides that thought from Snoke, hides it out of the shame of his weakness but it is there. He might actually enjoy having his mind completely to himself again. Enjoy the possible freedom of a clean break from everything.

He realises he is thinking of running away with the child (his child). Of running away from everything, removing his stakes in the war and finding some place in the universe where neither side can find him. He never wanted a quiet life. Never wanted to just pass out of the pages of history (that he was forever placed in just because of who his parents are). Now though it seems peaceful. A life without having to worry about keeping up the appearance of having everything together, of knowing what he wants to do. He doesn’t need Snoke to tell him that he wouldn’t last a week before he came crawling back. He already knows that (he just isn’t sure _who_ he will crawl back to).

“Ben?” Luke asks and he realises he hasn’t given his uncle an answer yet. Has gotten so caught up in his thoughts that he has failed to voice his decision.

“Yes,” he says despite knowing he is going in blind. He does not know what the solution could be. It could be another room that blocked the Force from entering and exiting (he will never be able to run away) or it could be something (anything) else.

Snoke calls him a fool for it but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care if it is the stupidest decision he has ever made in his life. He misses having (any part of) his mind to himself.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the lateness of this, I wrote some Obikin, got in a car accident, and had a cousin threaten to run away to the middle of fucking nowhere to live with a boyfriend she knew for two weeks (which as of time of posting this is also an abusive asshole). My life’s been a bit hectic. TBH I’m still dealing with some of the stuff currently so the next chapter may be a while (I’ll try and finish writing + editing those half finished side stories to tide you over). 
> 
> We’ve once again reached the point where the plot in my head is starting to run out (it seems to ALWAYS be just before a change of scenery). I have some rough / potential ideas but am once again asking for suggestions to help me figure out some definites out of the fog of potentials (also, you know, writing the side stories out of the amazing ideas you guys give me is fun and good way for me to break writers block).

“Are you getting tired of babysitting me yet?”

“Not really,” Rey sits with her feet resting on one of the storage containers like she owns the ship. There is flutter of annoyance that he feels at the fact that she is so comfortable here while he so uncomfortable. He still has his knees hunched up under his chin, still trying to take up as little space as possible. This is the ship he grew up on and yet she already seems to belong on it more than he ever did. Snoke says that she is more liked then him and they both know it, that she can claim the spaces that were previously his because she is replacing his place in the family.

She keeps trying to start a conversation with him. Asks him questions and makes comments that he knows are invites for him to reply. He blocks all of her attempts. He has nothing to say to her. Has already said too much to her. It is her fault he is he. Her fault that they all know about Snoke in his head, about the child in his stomach. Her fault that he started to doubt in the first place, that he took his father’s hand when it was offered (he rationally knows this to be a lie, she did not force his hand, she did nothing more than voice the doubts already drifting in his mind).

This is all her fault and she keeps trying to be his _friend_. Keeps acting as if they can become friends. That they are not so clearly opposed to each other, in battle with each other for the top place (what that position is he still isn’t sure but he knows they are in competition for it, that they are the only two who qualify).

Eventually Rey gives up trying to hold a conversation. Gives up and settles into meditation. Leaves him back to Snoke as his only company.

Her meditation style is as sloppy as it was the last time he watched. He doesn’t really expect her to suddenly become wonderful at it in the brief time that has passed. She may have adapted to her powers at a phenomenal rate (far faster than he ever did) but meditation is something that requires _instruction_ to be good at and Ben has a feeling Luke has been busy with other things (with dealing with the knowledge he has about him).

He could teach her. That thought is quickly denied. He doesn’t want to give her the advantage. No, he doesn’t want to have to meditate himself. Snoke is always so much closer to him (so much louder) when he meditates.

So he sits and watches and deals with Snoke’s voice that already feels deafening.

They both sense Finn approaching before they see him. Rey pulls herself from her meditation and returns to her relaxed, claiming, posture. Ben uncurls himself from his ball and tries to look like everything is still under his control.

“Uh… Luke wants you,” Finn says to Rey despite his constant nervous glances towards Kylo Ren.

Rey gives a nod and stands, walking past Finn. “Keep an eye on him for me?” she asks.

Finn goes to argue but she has already left the room before he  finds the words to argue with. Snoke laughs at it and Kylo Ren gives it voice in the room. Repeats the Supreme Leader’s words because are in agreement again.

“Traded one commander for another one haven’t you?”

Finn turns to look at him at those words. Looks at him as if he forgot he was in the room despite the fact that is exactly what he was going to protest about to Rey.

He gives a shrug but it is not hard to tell it is a forced one. That he is _trying_ to appear calm and in control. Unlike Rey who just _is_.

“Yeah, well, these ones don’t think of me as merely cannon fodder.”

“How can you be so sure?” How can he be so sure that they actually have his best interests at heart? So sure they are not exactly the same as the First Order? Ben makes the words sound accusatory. Sound like he believes it to be a lie. Pretends he isn’t trying to find his own answer in the ex-Storm Troopers reply.

“I don’t have any evidence, I just know. I trust them.” Finn’s reply is useless and Ben’s annoying at it must show because he watches him cautiously. As much as he enjoys knowing that someone on the ship is still afraid of him Ben would rather be alone with Snoke then have to deal with the anxiety that Finn is clearly radiating (that Snoke keeps demanding he take advantage of).

“You can leave. Despite what she said I don’t _need_ to be watched.”

Finn looks like he is going to take the out offered to him but he apparently changes his mind. Instead he walks over to the storage containers Rey had previously claimed and sits on them. He is nowhere near as relaxed as she is but Ben still has a feeling that Finn is more relaxed then him (he doesn’t want to think by how much).

“Why aren’t you leaving?” Finn clearly doesn’t want to be there and Ben doesn’t want him to be there. There is no reason for him to stay.

“I don’t know, I guess ‘cause Rey told me not to?” Finn replies giving a shrug. “And I don’t think you should be alone currently either,” he says that quieter, and Ben can see him watching him from the corner of his eyes with the words. Even he can see the weakness.

Ben remembers that this trip isn’t one for forever. This trip is between two bases, transportation of supplies and people. It will end eventually, likely soon, seeing how much time has already passed. It will end and he will have to face the bulk of the Resistance while they set up their new base of operations. He will have to face them all and even the ex-Storm Trooper can see that he is _weak_.

He wants to lash out. Wants to attack and show everyone _exactly_ how weak he is. He knows it is pointless. No matter what he does they all already know. They know all the reasons he is weak, all the reasons he is a failure. Killing Finn (the weakest of all of them on the ship) will not fool them into believing that the weakness has gone away (that it was never there).

He knows he cannot kill Finn even if it wasn’t pointless. He knows there is very little protecting him from having to facing the more extreme punishments for his crimes. Killing Finn would likely be enough for him to lose his mother’s protection (potentially his only protection).  He cannot risk that in his current situation (he hates that he has to think of more than himself, that he cannot throw his life away out of pettiness because of _them_ ).

So he doesn’t give a reply to Finn’s words. He makes them both sit in silence and ignores the fact that Finn keeps glancing at him. Keeps glancing at him as if he expects to him to something any second. A quick glance into his mind reveals Finn predicts two possibilities: an attack or tears. Kylo Ren hates being thought of so weak (despite the fact he knows it’s probably true).

They sit in silence until Rey returns with Luke. Finn doesn’t even need to be asked to leave, he just gets up and goes when he sees the two approach.

“Ben,” Luke says with the same cautious tone he used the last time despite the fact that Ben clearly knows he is there. “How are you going?”

“How do you think?” There is a voice and a heartbeat in his head and neither belongs to him (with one bringing suffering and the other a desperation for him to find safety).

Luke gives him a pitying look (he always hated that look but has grown to especially disdain in it the past few days). He sits down next to his nephew and rests a hand on his knee. “It will all turn out alright.”

There is no repressing a snort at that. “If you say so.” He refuses to give either of them a chance to reply, refuses the ability to give him comforting (false) words. “What’s the plan for getting the Supreme Leader out of my mind? Cut me off from the Force entirely?” He couldn’t really blame them if that was their preferred solution. It would solve two of their problems: the Supreme Leader’s ability to spy on them and the threat Kylo Ren presents to them all with his powers. He won’t agree to it.

Luke frowns at Kylo Ren calling Snoke ‘Supreme Leader’. It only deepens when he hearts Ben’s suggested solution. “No, nothing that drastic.”

“Then what?”

“There’s a couple of things actually,” Luke says and Kylo Ren wants to scream at him that he is a liar. Yell that he doesn’t want a list of band aids. He wants something that he can turn off-and-on depending on his need for Snoke’s wisdom. He knows he is being ridiculous, is demanding too much from others who are trying to fix a problem he cannot find a solution for himself.

Luke can apparently read his anger.

“Ben I’m not saying it’s impossible. We just don’t know what will work, we haven’t dealt with a case like yours before.” They haven’t dealt with someone who accepted a being with as much power as Snoke into his head for years only to suddenly decide he doesn’t want it anymore. They haven’t dealt with someone who is so lost that they do not know what they want most of the time (except for the fact that they want to keep hearing that heartbeat, want to keep hearing it despite the terror it brings). They haven’t dealt with someone who is so _weak_.

Luke moves so he is kneeling in front of him. Moves so he can meet him eye to eye (like he did when Ben was a child). “Ben,” he says and Ben cannot stop himself from meeting his eyes. “Trust me?”

“Tell me,” Ben says after a breath. He needs to know. Needs to know if there is any hope of getting some peace and quiet in his mind. Any hope of escaping Snoke for even a minute.  

Luke gives a nod. “Once we get to the new base they’ll build another room with Force-blockers in the wall. It should be easier without him fighting back.”

“And until then?”

“It will be harder but we’ll just have to try. Hopefully we’ll find something that works.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think I’ve found the source of some of my writers block: one of the main conflicts of the story is wrapping itself up and yet there is clearly a fair but more of the story to go. I mean there is still a bit left of that first conflict before it’s truly finished (and really it will probably never be completely finished and always be an undercurrent of the story) and there is still the secondary conflict but it’s not ready to take its place as the main conflict yet (and probably won’t until near the conclusion of this thing). I know there needs to be more between now and that but I’m still not sure what that more is yet… … … … any ideas? 
> 
> Do you know how useful it is to have the Force have a level of will of its own for this story? Because it’s really, really useful. Although it is a bit like Kylo Ren is playing warmer/colder with a universe-wide power, and the goal is what his purpose is supposed to be.

“I can’t,” he says, and he knows how pathetic he must sound. How pathetic he must look.

“Ben,” Luke says, his voice is thick with sympathetic pain. Rey is still standing a little behind him but her eyes are so pitying that he hates it. He hates it all.

He hates it and he knows that it makes him weak (that it makes him useless). What sort of Jedi is so scared that they can’t even _meditate_? What sort of Jedi does not want to connect to the Force? Does not want to explore it? Fears what they will find in it.

He knows it is not the Force he fears. Knows it is not some unknown threat that potentially lurks in it that frightens him. He is not a child, scared of the monsters that might lurk under their bed (he had been that child once, spending more nights in his parents’ and uncle’s beds than his own). There is a name and a face to the thing he wants to avoid. A name and a face and a voice that already speaks in his head. Snoke is always there when he meditates. He does not want to deal with him being any louder.

He knows having a reason for his fear does not make him any less weak for it. He does not need to be told that yet Snoke does anyway.

“Ben,” Luke says again, his voice calm but strong.

“You don’t understand.” None of them do. None of them have disappointed anyone to the level Kylo Ren has disappointed Snoke. They all succeeded at the goals they had set out to achieve. Succeeded and did better than anyone could have expected. They saved the galaxy (apparently, he still isn’t completely sold that the Empire was not what the galaxy actually needed, that the First Order is not what it needs currently). He is so weak that he ran away. That he wants to keep running away. He doesn’t want to hold stakes in this war anymore. He wants things to start making sense again. He wants to be able to know what he wants to do, what he should do. He is powerful but lost and the one thing he sure about cares little about what he should do in a galaxy-wide war (isn’t even developed enough to have feelings about anything, even those as simple as pain/pleasure).

“I don’t,” Luke replies and Ben almost hates him for not fighting back. Hates him for being so understanding and truthful. He wants words he can argue against, words he can rage against. He doesn’t want kindness and understanding. It only makes everything worse. Only makes everything so much harder (makes what he wants so much foggier). “You need to try though.”

“Why?”

“Because if you don’t he’ll only get worse.” Ben knows it to be the truth. Snoke knows he is scared of him now, knows he wants him gone. Only for a little, he only wants some quiet briefly so he can sort out the mess that he is in and figure out what he actually wants. He may find returning to the First Order is what he actually wants (unlikely, the doubt in his mind informs him).

“Ben, please just try,” Luke says and Ben figures he has nothing to lose. Snoke is already deafening in his mind.

He weakly nods. He has no other choice.

Both Luke and Rey back off when he settles into meditation. They watch him like he watched Rey when she meditated. He now understands why she could tell he was watching. It is hard to block out such a focused gaze.

He settles and tries to clear his mind of all his doubt, tries to focus on the things he still knows to be true. He still tries to draw strength from his grandfather. Still hopes he can maybe live up to his legacy (that he can strip himself from the fear and weakness and return to where he belongs in the universe). He focuses on the strength of the force, on its pervasiveness in everything and everyone. He focuses and slowly blocks his surroundings out (blocks the two people watching him so carefully).

He made the wrong decision in agreeing to this.

Snoke is there. Snoke is there like he has been _waiting_ for Ben to slip into meditation. Waiting for him to open himself up to the Force. He is there and he is loud. There is no way to block him. The Force offers no protection. It opens him up completely to the Supreme Leader.

He is so much more powerful then Kylo Ren ever knew him to be. He pushes into Ben’s mind, pushes and starts digging to figure out where they are, where the new base will be. Digging for any information that could help him locate them.

Kylo Ren has nothing useful to give the Supreme Leader. He is no more aware of where they are or where they are going than he is what he wants now, what his goal should be. Snoke rages when he finds out how useless Kylo Ren’s mind currently is. Rages and threatens.

Kylo Ren _will_ return to him and the First Order the first chance he gets. He will return and apologise for his failure and weakness. If he doesn’t Snoke will ensure neither of them survive. Will ensure that before the child even takes its first breath both it and its mother will be dead.

He has to fight to break from the meditation. Has to fight to break Snoke’s grip on his mind.

The first thing he is aware of when he regains his awareness in the Falcon is that there are arms holding him tight. They are not Luke or Rey’s but his mother’s. The other two are still there. Luke looks guilty, looks as if this is all somehow his fault. Rey looks determined, looks angry. He sees them through tear-blurred eyes that only get worse when he tries to blink them clear. He isn’t sitting anymore either, but is hunched over in his mother’s arms. Hunched and embracing her just as she is him.

“Ben,” his mother sounds so _broken_. She sounds like she is the one that is suffering. Like she is the one that is lost and afraid (weak) and desperately trying to figure out what they want as the universe keeps constantly rearranging itself around them.

He wonders if she felt the same way when she was pregnant with him. Wonders if she had the same fear that he cannot shake. He quickly decides the thought ridiculous. His mother has always been a strong woman. Always fierce and determined (even when she was wrong). There was no way she could ever feel this _weak_.

After a few steadying breathes he realises his hands are bunched in the fabric of her clothes. Realises that he is clinging to her as if she is a lifeline.

“Ben,” she says again and this time he can actually focus on her. Can actually move so he can see her face. “Are you okay now?”

Snoke’s voice is still there but it seems so quiet after he has had it screaming through every molecule of his being. It almost seems ignorable.

He manages to nod.

“Do you think you can try again?” Luke asks and Kylo Ren doesn’t even have to think to reach out with the Force towards his uncle. To fill the room with deadly tension.

Luke actually looks (briefly) worried. It is only because of that that Kylo Ren allows him to continue. Allows him to walk closer.

“Not the same again,” Luke says as he kneels next to Ben and his mother. “I don’t want you to try and connect with the universe again but this,” his hand comes out to rest against Ben’s stomach.

“There’s nothing there,” a flutter of life that is only a flutter. Something that could be so easily extinguished. That was all it was.

“There’s a heartbeat.”

“But nothing else.” He had tried to find something else, something more, while stuck in the room in the Resistance base that blocked him from every other potential connection. Boredom making him reach out to the thing he had previously tried to ignore. A heartbeat and a flutter in the Force was all that rested there. No feelings, no thoughts, just a heartbeat and a _flutter_.

“It’s all you need.”

Ben doesn’t try to hide his opinion at his uncle’s suggestion from his face.

“Just try focusing on that alone. Block everything out except for the heartbeat. Please?”

He has little choice but to agree. Has little choice but to try if he does not want Snoke to constantly have access to his mind. If he ever wants the peace of mind that his decisions are truly his own.

They all back away and he tries to settle back into meditation. Tries to ignore the eyes watching him and the fear that Snoke will be there. The fear that Snoke is waiting for him to open up to the Force again. That there is nothing he can do to escape him.

It is weird at first. Really focusing in on something instead of opening up to the universe. Weird and nostalgic. He remembers doing much the same when he was a child and barely trained in the Force. Remembers back when opening up to the universe was terrifying and overwhelming. It was Luke then telling him to focus on something small. Focus on something familiar. It was his parents and uncle back then before Snoke introduced him to his grandfather’s legacy and then he tried to focus in on that. Tried to find some echo of Darth Vader that resided in the Force (resided out in the universe somewhere). Now it is his child he tries to focus in on. Apparently _family_ is his familiar, is his comfort. Family is what gives him the ability to focus and have his powers. It is a realisation he never wanted to have (a weakness he could not and cannot purge from himself).

He was right in his previous assessment that no more than a heartbeat and a flutter in the Force exists in the child growing in him. There is no feelings, no consciousness. Just a heartbeat that seems much too strong for the fragility of its presence in the Force, for its presence in the universe.

Still, it is better to focus in on the barely-there existence of it then to try and find some meaning somewhere else. All roads lead to Snoke. He already learnt that well. Except, apparently, for this one. This one just leads to nothing except a want to protect the heartbeat, to let it grow into something more than an easily extinguished flutter of existence.

Snoke is still there but there is no escape from him currently. He is quieter though. A whisper compared to the beat of the heart that resides inside Ben’s body (his words are just as vicious, just as horrible but quieter).

He eventually drags himself from his meditation. Drags himself away from the beating of the child’s heart as he only awareness. The heartbeat seems quieter when he returns to the Falcon. Quieter but not distressingly so. A familiar echo in the back of his mind instead of the demanding want to be recognised (to be protected) it was before.

“That… seemed to go better,” Rey says, apparently giving voice to the thoughts of the other three in the room. They are all guarded though and Ben knows their fears justified. The calmness could be evidence that he found a way to block Snoke out (if only temporarily). It could also mean he has accepted the Supreme Leader back. Accepted to do as he wanted. They could have been planning his return to the First Order. Planning the deaths of everyone on board the Millennium Falcon.

“Ben?” his mother asks as she and Luke cautiously start to move closer.

He finds his mouth feels suddenly dry. Finds words fail on his tongue. The heartbeat is peaceful now. A peaceful reassurance instead of making him have a desperate want for _something_ he cannot even find name for now.

His pushes himself up so he is standing and the others in the room eye him cautiously. He cannot explain it to them. Cannot and will not but he needs time alone. Time to think before Snoke’s words find volume in his head again. He knows they will not give him solitude until he gives them some indication of what happened.

“It did… go better…” the words are hard enough to say. He can hear the scratchiness in his voice as he says them but he doesn’t care. He hopes it will be enough to buy him some solitude.

He walks past them and heads to a part of the ship that he can tell there is no-one in. He hopes they do not try to follow him.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See I told you we’d get to the new base soon (yes I am aware that was like 5 chapters ago I said that). I’m sure you are all well and truly fed up with the Millennium Falcon stuff by now? (and all really wanting to see Poe back apparently). Time to move onto new things (and Poe). 
> 
> Also sorry this took too long the ‘quick’ Obikin mpreg fic I was going to write in one night ended up being ~4000 words bigger than I thought it would be (and then I wrote some other things that could actually be termed ‘quick’ fics).

He finds a place on the ship that is quiet. Finds a place that is quiet and far away from the others.

Snoke’s voice is back at its normal volume. Snoke’s voice is back but Ben has little want to listen to it. Has little want to even acknowledge it. Snoke calls him a fool for that and while Ben is still not sure if he is or not he knows for now he does not care. Knows for now he cares about little but having a chance to really listen to the heartbeat again.

It is easier the second time to slip into meditation honed in on the small presence in the Force that is within his body yet does not belong to him.

The heartbeat is as comforting as it was the previous time.

The heartbeat is comforting and Snoke is quiet and while it is not the ideal situation to be trying to think future plans in (having to main his concentration lest he lose focus on the heartbeat and allow Snoke volume) it is nice to have some time with his thoughts truly his own. Nice to have time where he is not being told what to do by anyone.

He spends the rest of the trip in and out of meditation. Spends it feeling out what he needs to do so he can quiet Snoke’s voice long enough to break the meditation and still have time to think before the Supreme Leader stops being ignorable background noise.

He manages to get a slightly clearer idea of what he should do next. A clearer idea of what he wants.

He cannot trust the Supreme Leader anymore. Will probably never be able to return to the blind faith in him he had previously. He therefore cannot trust the First Order either. He is not convinced that the First Order is wrong. Nor is he convinced he did the wrong thing in siding with them all those years ago (in helping it grow to be as powerful as it is currently). If Snoke was not there he would return to them. Return and would kill all those who tried to stop him from declaring himself Emperor. He would rule galaxy (or perhaps he would let the child rule) and continue to bring the peace only the First Order can grant.

There is no way to detangle Snoke from the First Order. No way to return to one without submitting to the other.

He cannot trust Snoke anymore so he cannot trust the First Order. He needs protection from them both. He is not going to play naïve and act like pregnancy will not come with some detriment to his power. So naïve to act as if it does not create weakness by its very definition. He needs protection. At least until the child is born and his strength returned.

He would be a fool not to take the protection the Resistance offers. A fool not to use his family’s weakness (love) to his advantage.

He will decide what to do after the child is born closer. There is still much time until then. Too much time and too many things that could potentially change. He has learnt now that a small thing can completely change a situation. He has learnt that the echo of a heartbeat can have him running back to his family (who he previously would sooner kill then even negotiate with).

Rey is the one to inform him when they are an hour away from their destination.

He isn’t really surprised when she sits. She seems to have an urge to make sure he is _okay_ (both physically and mentally). He would hate her for it if he wasn’t sure it was the only reason he is sitting where he is. That if she hadn’t of told his mother then Leia would have never found out. That the attack on the old base would have looked that much more like it had been orchestrated by him. If Rey hadn’t of told his mother about his pregnancy (and therefore his conflicting feelings about everything) he might have lost his mother’s protection. He might not have been around to see his uncle’s return.

“How are you feeling?” she looks slightly unsure at the question as if she doesn’t know if she has the right to ask it. She does. After everything she has done for him he probably owes her a lot more than the answer to such a simple question. He doesn’t want her to know that (doesn’t want her to think them as friends, think them of ever potentially being friends) so he refuses to answer.

Rey sighs at his lack of response and stretches. “I wonder what the new base will be like. Hopefully it’s not too cold.”

He gives a snort. “It’ll be where ever they think the First Order is least likely to find them.” His childhood had been filled with stories of his family hiding from the Empire. Rey doesn’t realise how lucky she was for the temperateness of the previous base, how much the New Republics existence had given them the ability to have choice pick of ‘hiding places’. Now though they would take what they could find and they would not complain.

“Still,” Rey says but still lets silence fill around them. He won’t try and meditate again while she is there. Won’t admit how useful he has found it just yet so he has no choice but to allow Snoke’s voice to gain volume again. No choice but to listen to the chastisement and comments about his failure. Listen to his orders that Kylo Ren should return to him. That he should steal a ship when they arrive at the new base and return to the First Order. Or better yet, tell Snoke where the new base is and the First Order will come to them.

They arrive at the new base soon enough (despite it feeling like an eternity in his mind).

The place is complete chaos. He doesn’t need to leave the ship to know that, can sense the beings running in all directions through the Force. It really would be too easy to steal a ship in it. Too easy and almost tempting. He wouldn’t return to the First Order and the Supreme Leader (at least not right away). He knows he doesn’t really have anywhere else to go. Knows he is stuck on one side or the other.

His family won’t let him get the chance anyway. Leia is quick to leave. She has things to do to ensure the place is set up correctly (and a new room for him built). Nobody knew whether Luke, Han, Chewbacca, and Rey would return before they moved the base and as such they have no tasks they _have_ to complete, just ones they can help to do. They have the freedom to pick tasks that allow them to keep an eye on him so he is well watched.

Of course it is then the sickness decides to return with vengeance. The good luck he had in not feeling like vomiting for the entirely of the trip ending nearly the second the ship touched the earth.

He really would have no chance of stealing a ship and escaping.

He tries to convince himself not to vomit. Not now while the majority of the resistance is around to see. Around to drawn their own conclusions as to its source (conclusions about what weakness he possesses).

At some point Dameron joins them. Comes over to greet Finn and Rey as if the three of them hadn’t seen each other for weeks instead of the hours the trip had actually been. It’s sickening watching the three of them. Disgusting how quickly they have bonded.

He will not vomit. He cannot allow himself such weakness in this moment. He will not vomit.

There isn’t much on his stomach to bring up. He hadn’t eaten much on the trip. Too busy dealing with Snoke and Luke and the child. There is still a little though and he has learnt that there is always bile to bring up. Bile to burn his throat and mouth and leave an aftertaste that cannot seem to be washed out.

“Is he okay?” Dameron asks and he isn’t supposed to see, because Kylo Ren isn’t supposed to have such a weak constitution that he cannot keep his stomach contents inside his stomach.

“Mostly,” Rey says and Ben forces himself to stand straight. He ignores the acidic taste of bile that sites in his mouth and ignore the queasiness that still rests in his stomach. He will not let his image be damaged that easily (has already done more than enough damage to it in the past few weeks).

“I’m fine.” He tries to make it sound slightly threatening, but is sure the hand that comes up to wipe his mouth defeats his efforts. 

“If you say so,” Poe says and eyes him cautiously but is easily dragged into conversation with Rey and Finn. The three finally getting a chance to catch up properly after Rey returned from her training (and clearly more exploitation of the Force to show off what she has learnt is needed).

Neither his father nor uncle have such distractions and he can feel their eyes watching him. Watching him as if they are waiting for him to start vomiting again at any moment. If he is honest with himself he wouldn’t be surprised if he did. There is only so much control he can gain over his body by force of will alone.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’M BACK MOTHERFUCKERS! So sorry for leaving , life + uni + the next plot point avoiding me to no end kept me away. But I’m back with some plot in my brain (which, okay, loose plot, but we can work with it) and some freedom from exams soon so hopefully we are rolling again. 
> 
> So I was sure when I left this fic it was after this point. Apparently it wasn’t. Which sucks because I didn’t want to write this bit, I wanted to write what happened AFTER this bit. *sighs* oh well, at least now I can drop small hints as to what will happen next in here (very small hints). 
> 
> Also hopefully more will be up soon, but force knows what my life will decide to throw at me (this year seems to be the year of random crap popping up – in other news the roof above the computer decided to randomly gain a leak and killed the keyboard), but should be sooner than between this one and the previous one.

It takes a week for the new room to be built. A week of being unable to escape from his family (and Rey, who might as well be _part_ of his family with how well they’ve accepted her). Now that they all there he can be watched constantly. Still, his uncle and father are slightly more pleasant babysitters then the armed Resistance members he was previously stuck with when his mother had a meeting he couldn’t attend (even if it does feel like he is five again and being traded between the three of them depending on whoever was the least busy at the time). At least with them he doesn’t feel as strong a need to hide the fact his stomach is attempted to revolt against his body and starve him by refusing to allow the food a chance to digest. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t try and fight the urge to vomit when it comes. Just because they know the reason why he is vomiting doesn’t mean he wants to deal with the sympathetic eyes when he loses the battle against his gag-reflex.

It takes a week for the room to be built. Of course it is his luck that once he has a room to hide in, to be alone in, the morning sickness decides to settle down again (hopefully for good).

The silence the room gives him is relief. The silence the heartbeat could offer only ever fleetingly temporary. Moments of clarity that passed too quickly. As long as he is in the room he doesn’t need to worry about Snoke’s words and anger. Doesn’t need to worry that the decisions he makes might not really be his own.

His family apparently can sense his want for solitude so they leave him alone for two days (except to bring him food and likely check he hasn’t tried to do anything stupid).

Two days of silence. He didn’t realise how much he missed it until then. Didn’t realise how much Snoke’s voice and the chatter of the resistance base had been keeping him on edge until he has the chance of solitude again.

He spends the two days either enjoying the solitude or meditating. He is either enjoying the fact that he is alone or reminding himself that isn’t alone, not really (and won’t be able to be alone again for a while).

The heartbeat is as steady as ever. It doesn’t care what is happening to the outside world. Doesn’t realise how much has changed (how much it has changed). He almost envies it for that.

He knows it won’t last. You can’t be a member of his family and not get involved in the conflict that is the galaxy. It is as much a birth-right as the power the flows through them all.

“Ben,” Luke says, announcing his presents as if Ben couldn’t sense someone as strong as him entering the usually so still room. His uncle doesn’t have food with him which means this is about something other than making sure Ben doesn’t go hungry in his self-imposed imprisonment. “How are you feeling?”

“I haven’t felt the need to vomit.” He knows Luke isn’t really asking about that. Sure his uncle likely didn’t enjoy watching him vomit up whatever food he was given but they both (now) know that it is just something that happens with pregnancy. Both know that it will pass in time and shouldn’t do any damage. No, Luke is asking about Kylo’s mood. Asking if he has finally settled from the snapping tension he had gained the last days before the room was completed. The temper that had most of the base eying him warily from a distance, all silently hoping Leia and Luke knew what they were doing having him around.

Ben does feel better now he has had some time alone. Feels better now he has escaped Snoke’s voice and the eyes of the majority of the Resistance. He isn’t going to admit that to his uncle. Isn’t about to admit exactly how weak he is. Admit that he cannot control his emotions unless he is given two days of solitude to calm himself.

 “Ben,” Luke says again and he can hear his uncle’s footsteps echo across the floor as he makes his over to where Ben is sitting crossed-leg on the floor. He had been meditating a little before his uncle came in. Focusing himself in onto the heartbeat that is the only other life he can feel while in the room.

“What do you want?” His uncle wouldn’t visit him without a reason and that reason clearly is not to bring him food.

Luke doesn’t answer right away. Instead he sits down across from Ben in much the same position – mirroring his nephew and in doing so making all their differences so much clearer.

Luke is smaller than him. Ben already knows that. He had grown to tower over his uncle early in his teen years but over the years he realises he had forgotten. He had considered Luke to be Snoke’s equal and opposite, and had apparently given his uncle the size to match his replacement within Ben’s life.

Now though. Without Snoke to echo in his head as the opposite to Luke (to remind him of just how dangerous Luke was to their cause) he remembers the difference in their statutes.

Somehow Luke seems stronger then him, more in control of his life and place in the universe. That too becomes clearer with him mirroring Ben’s posture.

Luke gives him a small, sad smile and Ben guesses it is meant to reassure him (and it does but that is just because his is weak and cannot chase away the lingering childhood notion that his uncle will make everything right). “I just wanted to talk without Snoke having any input on your part.”

There are two things Ben realises at that. The first is that he will probably never truly be without Snoke’s influence in his thoughts and actions just like he was never able to be free of Luke’s. Too much time around a being tends to leave traits that one can never shake off no matter how hard they try (and Kylo Ren did try to shake his family’s influence from every aspect of his being). The second is more a calculation then a realisation. An attempt to remember how far Snoke’s influence went back. To try and figure out when he last held a conversation with his uncle without the Supreme Leader in his ear, in his head.

“About what?” There are so many topics that his uncle could want to talk with him about. So many questions that Luke deserves answer to. Although few have answers that Ben can articulate or even rationalise within his own head.

“What do you want to do now?”

The question is a simple one but brings with it so many others. So many options and factors that have to be weighed up against each other. It places the decision in his hand but also the result of it.

It could be a trap. A test. Luke giving him just enough rope to hang himself with.

He knows it is an honest question. Luke wouldn’t ask a question with the motive of making Ben condemn himself, no matter how much he probably deserved it.

No, it is an honest question and that is what makes it so hard to answer.

If it was a trap he could take the cue and try and tailor his answer into what would reflect best onto him. What could protect him (protect them) from the worse punishments. With no judgement dependent on his reply he finds himself lost in a sea of possibilities with no guidance as to which to take.

“I don’t know.” He hates how that seems to be becoming his answer to every question he is asked. Hates the loss of the self-assurance he used to possess. The knowledge of what he wanted in life and willingness to take the steps necessary to complete it.

Luke gives him a sad smile and a hand comes to rest gently on Ben’s knee. “You’ll figure it out.”

The thing is he isn’t so sure that he will anymore. Isn’t sure he will ever have a clear idea of what he wants again. Isn’t sure if he knows how to make decisions without weighing them up against the approval of someone else. It’s almost ironic: in returning to his family he has gained the freedom he had rebelled against them for.

Luke gives a sigh and removes his hand from Ben’s knee. He looks around the room as if he is going to find the next item of conversation on the walls of it. Ben is tempted to follow the tracking’s of his uncle’s eyes To see if he can predict the next question before it is asked if only to get a moment longer to think of an answer. Such an action is pointless. He has spent his own hours staring at the walls trying to find stimulus for topics of thought. There is nothing on them that helps. Nothing but an empty suffocating blankness that he is scared of leaving.

“We should probably figure out a way to get you out of this room without Snoke getting back into your head. You do still want that right?” Luke is looking at him again with the question and Ben starts honestly wondering if his uncle has found a way to enter other’s minds without them noticing. If he has spent his time in hiding honing abilities to levels that should be impossible. Ben wonders if he has grown so weak as to not be able to notice someone creeping into his head. Or perhaps the walls of the room do give a topic worth talking and thinking about, but it is only one.

“Yes.” The word comes out nothing like how he wants it to. Comes out desperate and chocked and not strong or uncaring.

Luke smiles despite it. A smile that is not small nor sad but bright and reassuring. “We’ll start there then. The rest can come later.”

Ben can’t do anything but agree. It is not like he has a better plan.


End file.
